Saturday, August 14, 2010

moving on

i know i haven't written in a while. i have been going through many inner battles that i was honestly afraid to share here. i think i will still keep a couple to myself.

the most important thing that has come out of the past few months is that i can now accept that my susie is not coming back and that i will be ok. no, i am ok... better than ok actually.

i now have a full time job, am pursuing my bachelors in psychology full time, as well as having many commitments at the church i recently joined. my life is full. i can say that because i know know that sue will always be a part of me and i no longer need to hold a space for her. she is there no matter what.

i have a newly renewed faith and have embraced my christianity, and all that goes with it, with a great deal of vigor. it has meant many major changes in my life. fortunately God has been faithful and is making the changes for me, as i am too clumsy to navigate my way down this path.

i have made some dear friends over the past year. none can replace you guys, but i realized that i must start building a life somewhere and here seemed as good a place as any... many walls in my life have been torn down. i am an open book at this point. i have no secrets and am able to express what i am feeling more clearly than ever. it has taken this great loss to break me down. in "rebuilding" i have been able to pick and chose what i like about myself and do a great deal of changing.

i took my wedding ring off today. it is the next step in my journey. i need to move forward, the ring was a constant reminder of what i had lost. i want to remember what sue brought into my life... not what is missing. i feel the best way to honor her memory is to keep her in my heart and our rings in her urn. i would be lying if i said tears were not shed... but they are good tears, tears of resolve, no longer tears of defeat.

i love you all and miss you more than words can express.

Lesli