I am irrationally angry about Brittany Maynard's death. As a theoretical debate, I have always been on the side of death with dignity... until now. She said a few things in her video that ignited a rage in me that I cannot explain. I should feel compassion, I should respect her right to choose in her home state, I should say I do not know her and that it is none of my business. But, it is... as the widow of someone who battled a fatal illness for years, it is very much my business. What set me off? Two comments... she complained that she had gained weight because of the medications she had to take and that her seizure activity was increasing. As I watched these remarks I could not help but think of my precious Sue... the years she spent fighting seizures of every kind. A woman who would bike 20-30 miles a day reduced to someone who could barely walk across the room. I think of Sue in her "bubble" after the fire and the precious times she would be lucid and wink at me. I think of the woman I loved who fought for every last breath. Sue knew she would die... even worse she thought she would be in a vegetative state for the better part of a decade as her father and all of his brothers and sisters were. These thoughts plagued her. Yet, she FOUGHT for every last experience, every last moment, for time with me and those she loved. Those who knew her can vouch for the power of her smile, the infectious properties of her laugh, the way the light in her eyes would dance when she was excited. Her stories were legendary. You knew that the majority of them were voiced in hyperbole, but the passion behind the story made you not care and choose to believe it. She could have sold you the Brooklyn Bridge. I think of everything that made up my angel... and I weep for those Brittany left behind. Knowing that we lived every second to the fullest and cherished time as it slipped away is a huge solace in her absence.
Sue was taking upwards of 30 pills a day and like Brittany gained weight because of them. This was not easy for her. She was once a vibrant, active person and that was not the physical state she was used to. There was a song out at the time, that ended up being sung at her memorial service, entitled Moments by Emerson Drive. It is a man reflecting on his glory days, the things he used to be able to do. The song hit home for Sue. She mourned what she could no longer accomplish, but her indestructible spirit would quickly bounce back and celebrate the things she could do... we found new things... When she could no longer do pottery, or paint, or draw she took up photography. She adapted. She allowed those around her to find new joys with her. Those struggles and experiences are precious gifts to those of us who loved her and were loved by her.
If Sue had asked for an out... of course I would have honored what she wanted. I would have driven her to the dr and picked up the rx myself. That is what a marriage is all about, putting the other person first. I will forever be grateful that she did not. Signing a DNR and pulling life support plagued me for a very long time. I knew it was her wish and the right thing to do... I will never regret it, but it weighed heavily on me. I cannot imagine the crushing weight of being on the other side of death with dignity. I would have done it for her, without blinking. She was my heart and her happiness was all I cared about. I so wish I could thank her for fighting... for the extra time we had when she could have given up. She had enough meds here to end it at any time. She could have easily made that choice. She was stronger than I.
Saturday was the anniversary of Sue and I meeting and Tues I will see some of my in-laws for the first time in a couple of years. She is definitely in the forefront of my mind right now... maybe that has made me overly sentimental. Perhaps I am simply being selfish, but this bleeding heart left wing liberal just changed her mind. Brittany's pleading of her case convinced me how precious every single second with a loved one can be.
