.

6 things cont.

2011-05-01T00:55:00.000-04:00

Fri 4/29
1) moved ot dan and davri's
2) met with pastor Ali
3) amazing lunch! Turkish refuse plate!
4) blessed by hearing yvonne talk about merve.
5) began to understand real purpose here.
6) getting to know Debbie... Very cool...

6 things

2011-04-28T19:43:00.001-04:00

We have been challenged to write six things per day that stuck out in our minds. I am a couple of days late, but here goes.

Tues 4/26
1) pics with Pete are going to e fun
2) I have smoked my last cig
3) sitting behind Behlke is fun... Of course I only hit his seat by accident
4) God is good. My bags weighed in at 49.7 lbs
5) encouragement can come from e strangest of places.
6) a friend finally broke down and let me be a friend to them.

Wed 4/27
1) I need to spend more time actively seeking God
2) united sux as an international airline. (lufthansa all the way baby)
3) dr. Don is an extremely handy person to have around. Italian lady at surgery needed emergent help on the flight to Munich.
4)I can actually sleep on planes. Slept all the way fro. Munich to Ankara.
5) Will and Barb are amazing people with eyes only for the Lord.
6) 400 Turkish believers out of 4,500,000 people in Ankara

Thurs 4/28
1) I can do much more physically than i thought I could.
2) archeological museum in ankara is truly breath taking.
3) I have an immediate and immense love for the children of this country.
4) there is a beauty to the simplicity of life in the old city.
5) will's statement: why wouldn't I help you. You are my brothers and sisters in Christ.
6) The complexity of nationalism and religion being sp inter twined.

moving on

2010-08-14T20:54:00.000-04:00

i know i haven't written in a while. i have been going through many inner battles that i was honestly afraid to share here. i think i will still keep a couple to myself.

the most important thing that has come out of the past few months is that i can now accept that my susie is not coming back and that i will be ok. no, i am ok... better than ok actually.

i now have a full time job, am pursuing my bachelors in psychology full time, as well as having many commitments at the church i recently joined. my life is full. i can say that because i know know that sue will always be a part of me and i no longer need to hold a space for her. she is there no matter what.

i have a newly renewed faith and have embraced my christianity, and all that goes with it, with a great deal of vigor. it has meant many major changes in my life. fortunately God has been faithful and is making the changes for me, as i am too clumsy to navigate my way down this path.

i have made some dear friends over the past year. none can replace you guys, but i realized that i must start building a life somewhere and here seemed as good a place as any... many walls in my life have been torn down. i am an open book at this point. i have no secrets and am able to express what i am feeling more clearly than ever. it has taken this great loss to break me down. in "rebuilding" i have been able to pick and chose what i like about myself and do a great deal of changing.

i took my wedding ring off today. it is the next step in my journey. i need to move forward, the ring was a constant reminder of what i had lost. i want to remember what sue brought into my life... not what is missing. i feel the best way to honor her memory is to keep her in my heart and our rings in her urn. i would be lying if i said tears were not shed... but they are good tears, tears of resolve, no longer tears of defeat.

i love you all and miss you more than words can express.

Lesli

My Immortal

2010-04-28T14:25:00.001-04:00

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

confused

2010-03-12T23:30:00.000-05:00

before i left on this trip i was told to "know who i am."

the funny thing is i feel more like myself the past 12 hours than i have the past 10 months. superduke lives :) and people understand what that means.

people are reaching out to be with me... not the other way around.

i feel almost like a leper back home. like i am looking in on a party through a dusty old window. i am so torn. right vs wrong. me vs them. me vs me. me vs a memory.

i think it may be time to get back to my peeps. i have been fighting so hard for friendships that are sporadic at best. if i show up... if i jump through their hoops

doh! to be continued... gotta run!!!! henrietta hudsons is calling!!!

Les

Thank you

2010-02-08T21:44:00.000-05:00

I truly have the best friends and family imaginable. You guys have supported me through all of my stupid decisions, honest emotions, growth, and regressions. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Superduke, BD, Lesli, Me

9 mos

2010-02-08T20:01:00.000-05:00

It's been 9 months. I don't know why some anniversaries of her death destroy me and some I don't even notice. Well, this one I noticed. I miss her so much. I know you must be sick of hearing me say that, but I cannot believe that the worl has continued to spin with out her here. It is so unnatural.

what might have been

2010-01-31T20:54:00.000-05:00

i know i am supposed to be learning to live with the pain.. blah blah blah, but, all of a sudden, i am so angry! i am mad that i have been cheated out of our future together. i am mad that i am single again. i am mad that there is noone here to hold me whan i cry. i am mad at sue and that makes me mad at myself. it is this nasty cycle that i cannot get out of. i feel like i should be passed this now. grr. once again. grief sucks.

last week

2010-01-10T00:50:00.000-05:00

ok... i finally have the courage to put this out there for you guys to see. Last Sat night i overdosed on sleeping pills. yes, it was intentional. i just wanted to see Sue so badly. i don't want to leave this life, but it seems so unnatural with her missing. i was in the hospital for several days in a behavioral unit. aka psych ward. i apparently shaved my head sometime Sunday morning. i have no recollection of it. i am ok now... so don't worry! i was just stupid and selfish for a bit. i am over it now.

love you guys
SD

Feelings running amok

2009-12-31T16:31:00.002-05:00

Grieving takes time. Grieving takes energy. Grieving takes courage.

I have been amazed at grief’s power to affect every part of my being... physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.

In early grief, an extreme fatigue wraped around me like a blanket I could not throw off. Some days, I would crawl right back into bed after having just eaten breakfast.

Sleep doesn’t necessarily bring respite. The tears flow even then. And my loss seems even louder as evening comes and the quiet magnifies the emptiness.

The simplest chores take Herculean effort. The figures in my checkbook won’t balance. Familiar items disappear into thin air. Simply doing the dishes takes me hours to work up to. My words sputter and stop mid-sentence.

“Grief takes up a lot of space in my head,” I try to explain to friends. It’s the only way to depict how my brain wrestles with a reality so devastating that it seems incomprehensible... that my angel no longer breathes on this earth.

And my heart? Who knew it could break so many times and so sharply and into so many pieces? And that emotional pain creates a fatigue that surpasses my extreme physical exhaustion.

Contrary to popular myths, I don’t “get over” my grief in a week or two, after a month, or even as I go through this year of painful firsts.

But thanks to Hospice bereavement groups, the compassion of Christ, friends who’ve walked through loss ahead of me, and my new found family at CC, I’ve learned to live with grief, as best as I can. I slog through it, in fits and starts, in bewilderment and clarity, in sorrow and in grace.

It is a much longer, harder process than popular culture would have us believe. As a society, we’ve lost touch with the wisdom and rituals and reality of death that our ancestors understood.

It is hard work to heal. Personally, I won’t “get over” my loss. Why would I want to get over a love so sweet and maddening and dear? I am, however, learning to live with the loss, to move forward in my life, in what I call a “new normal.”

Gradually, very gradually, hopefully, over months and years, the gratitude for the life we shared takes up more space than the grief. The difficult truth is that the healing comes through the grieving, the respite after the tears. My laughter jumbles in with my sorrow. The same poignant memories that stab the heart with longing also hold the warm, soothing comfort that eventually flows.

And I’m let in on one of humankind’s deepest and, in this culture’s, often unspoken truths: facing death changes life forever.

poemy type thingy

2009-12-15T22:30:00.000-05:00

My heart cries out
In an otherwise silent room
My grief defines me

I call your name
Praying for a response
My grief a crushing boulder

The phone rings
I expect to hear your voice
My grief explodes

A Bible in my hands
Verses stand out
My grief ever present

A realization has come to me
It is not your comfort that I crave
My grief subsides

God is good
He hears my pleas
My grief ever a part of me

My heart still breaks
But in His hands
My grief no longer mine to bear

A humble servant
Finds her faith
My grief a map to His heart

A thankful child prostrate to Abba
Can fathom His joy
My grief a tool to shine His glory

Please

2009-12-02T23:33:00.000-05:00

Can it please, please, please, be Jan 2? I can't stop thinking about how much fun we would have around the holidays. Once again... this sucks

care page

2009-11-16T18:13:00.002-05:00

i just read through Sue's care page. heart breaking... but also comforting to see all of the support we had. it is all such a blur at this point. i am so thankful that i saved it.

SD

kids

2009-11-15T22:11:00.000-05:00

so yet another friend is prego. i am so psyched for them... they are a beautiful couple and totally deserve it. i can't help but looking back and realizing that my time has passed. it's not a bad thing or a good thing... just a thing. i knew when sue was diagnosed that babies would not be in the cards for me. i do think i would have enjoyed being a mother tho. hmmm.

sd

thank you

2009-11-15T00:30:00.000-05:00

thank you all for the phone calls... i am not going to off myself...

love you!
sd, bd, me

why bother

2009-11-13T23:05:00.000-05:00

i feel like i am going crazy. i am experiencing mood swings that are honestly making me question my sanity. i go from being seriously suicidal to laughing with friends. i am at my wits end. i just want to be with sue again.

tomorrow

2009-11-08T19:34:00.000-05:00

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. I'll always be with you.”- Christoper Robin to Winnie the Pooh

disbelief

2009-10-31T16:07:00.000-04:00

my mother-in-law buried the part of Sue's ashes i gave her... i had no idea. she called and told a friend of mine here that she (Sue) was resting next to her grandmother now. who does that?? who buries someone's WIFE and does not tell them???

speechless...

turkey day

2009-10-31T15:39:00.002-04:00

mom just surprised me with a ticket to TN for turkey day! I was serioualy sweating what i was going to do... yay Mom!!

Six

2009-10-30T22:27:00.001-04:00

six seems to be the magic number this month.

this sunday, nov 1, marks the six year anniversary of sue and i meeting. for those of you there, you know that we started dating immediately and were barely apart until i left for tour. we had our tough times, but we were together through it all.

the following sunday, nov 8, will be the six month anniversary of her death. i am devistated. everything feels so fresh again. i miss her more than words can express. she was half of me. i am incomplete... i do not see that changing.

sd

gay-ja-ma-cation-Why the right?

2009-10-30T09:50:00.000-04:00

I find it kind of funny that no one has asked this before...

Lately, several people have asked me why I wear my wedding ring on my right hand. They assume it has something to do with Sue's passing. Nope! It's always been there.

Many gay couples wear thier rings on their right hands as a form of silent protest. Basically we decided to wear ours this way until all gay couples have the same right to wed that MA afforded to us.

So, there you have it! Hope you all are having a faboo week!

Sd

dreams

2009-10-27T17:27:00.002-04:00

i keep having these dreams where people (often times fictious, ex: Robert from Brothers and Sisters) are dying or being murdered and I cannot stop them. It's like I can see what is happening but my body isn't there.

still wanting to run far far away.

Sd

blah...

2009-10-22T21:45:00.002-04:00

i am so confused. my emotions and head are so out of synch. i used to be so sure about so many things that all seem to have flawed reasoning. every step i take forward i feel like i am leaving a piece of me behind. i am sure that this is all natural and "part of grieving" but BLAH! i am frustrated by the carnage that seems to be my life.

on a happier note... i get my student loan tomorrow and am going shopping. Boo Ya!!!

realization...

2009-10-19T23:46:00.002-04:00

i i was having another one of those nightmarish pictures of Sue, yellow, tucked under the blankets, about twenty min after she had passed when i realized something. her face isn't burned when i picture her. infact, i am having trouble remembering how she looked in the hospital. i can see her there in the bed, but it's her face... whole... healed. maybe i am healing as she is (in my mind). funny... i give up on healing last night and tonight i feel like i have made a huge leap forward. the human brain is a funny thing.

sd

Surrender

2009-10-19T01:06:00.001-04:00

I give up... its all too much. screw mental/spiritual/emotional health. i am content being damaged right now.

sleep

2009-10-18T08:25:00.001-04:00

i really should sleep at some point. this is getting ridiculous...

ah well time to shower and get to church. have a good one all!

Ponderence

2009-10-14T23:17:00.004-04:00

I was flipping to Psalms 139 to read some verses my new councelor gave me. I landed in 149 and something caught my eye. The first verse says Sing His praise in the meeting of His people. I cannot help but reflect on all of the new friends I have made through the church and what a support they have been to me. I asked, well begged, for friends. In the matter of a couple of weeks I have a new inner circle of people HERE. I hope you all know that I value everything you have done and are doing for me. But, I think we can all agree that a local support system is crucial. I have that now.

I wrote an email today that was so deeply honest that tears were pouring down my face as I typed. It needed to be said to someone. I think I chose wisely. I guess I will see. I will get to a point where I share it here, but I am still afraid of the ramifications of it.

I am also scared of losing some of you as I regain my faith. Once again, I guess time will tell.

One of the major things I am working on is getting rid of the image of Sue in flames. It haunts me daily. I am actively trying to visualize her at peace and free from her corporeal form when these images come into my head. It is helping.

I skipped the granny club today (that's what I call my bereavment group). I just couldn't do it. Today had already been so emotional. God is doing some major work in my life and I can only take so much in one day. Stupid emotions! : )

Anyway... things are good... profoundly good. Well, no... they suck. It's like cleaning out a closet. you have to pull out everything to get rid of the junk. I am at the point where everything is scattered on the floor and I am starting to go through it. I see the progress so that is good. The floor is covered in junk and that sucks. Make sense?

OHHHH... I got a green light on the project I was talking about. Well a green light to work on the next step. I want to direct a production of Godspell here to benefit the homeless organization that Sue worked with. Ideally, we will open the weekend of the anniversary of her death. I think it would be a cool way to honor her memory. Basically, the pastor and elders need to read the script and make sure it is doctrinly sound. I have a copy coming in the mail. I will need to do a quick re-read through to make any cuts that I see before handing it over.

Please continue to keep me in your prayers (or hug whatever you hug...Michael go find that wombat again...) as I continue this transition.

sd

Grrrrrr

2009-10-14T04:59:00.000-04:00

its 5am... 2 nights of no sleep. this sucks.

lesli

3 in 1 day!

2009-10-13T22:14:00.002-04:00

screw being med compliant. i need to sleep. someboday call me tomorrow morning to make sure i am still breathing. KIDDING. i only took one extra. people are rxed much more than what i took. actually a call to make sure i don't sleep all day would be cool.

sd

trying

2009-10-13T19:24:00.005-04:00

ok we have established that i get over-emotional when i don't sleep. i thought i could contain it when in public. wrong! i was just chatting with someone and he totally called me on it. i was a hot mess trying to get my point across. i could barely get a coherent point out.

funny thing... i am so used to being in theatre circles that i forget that flat is an adjective not a noun to most people and a tree is something that grows and has leaves not a metal stand for lights. i think i thoroughly confounded my pastor today. given my lack of mental acuity... well i mentioned renting trees and he looked at me like i was a complete moron. good times. and, anne reinking might as well have been a choreographer for a community theatre. straight men... they hurt my head. silly heteros!

NCIS is on in 20 min. then... bed. i have a full on crush on Abby and Gibbs. i know... make up my mind... this whole guy thing has me really freaked out. watch out ladies... my two favorite men are married to two of my best friends (you know who you are)

ok now i am being stupid. good night.

love you guys!

sd

Insomnia... again

2009-10-13T07:14:00.003-04:00

it's 7:15am and I still have not been able to sleep. my meetings today should be oh so fun! fortunately the project proposal is not really a proposal. it's more like getting a green light to put a proposal together. we'll see...

NOW i want to sleep. i have to be somewhere in 3 hours. great timing eh? something has to give. I cannot continue to function on eating and sleeping every other day. i have been told it is normal during grief. i question anything that mentions normalcy these days.

ohhh shopping for 30 people today. i am making a spanish chicken dish thurs night. whoo hoo! never cooked for the masses before. should be fun!

i suppose i should try and get a couple hours of sleep. sleep deprived therapy should be grrreat! (i typically turn into a bawling mess when i am deprived of sleep)

much love to you all!
sd

blech

2009-10-12T21:39:00.001-04:00

eating is over-rated. just had my first full meal in a week or so and feel gross. blech!!!!

that's all!

Better

2009-10-12T19:16:00.003-04:00

Nothing really to report. Just wanted to let y'all know I have been doing much better. Still not eating often, but am forcing myself to eat something every day or so...

meeting new shrink tomorrow. a lil nervous. it's never fun to forge that new relationship. however, it is a necessary evil.

also meeting about a possible project here in noho. not sure i am up for it (even though it is my idea). time will tell!

new dan brown book... eh. not thrilled. noetics is thought provoking tho.

sd

oh, and of course a trip to the vampires to check levels. i look like a heroin addict. i have bruises all over both arms. thankfully it's cold and i can get away with long sleeves!

tick tock

2009-10-10T05:35:00.002-04:00

it's 5:30 am. as usual i cannot sleep. i take two different kinds of the strongest sleeping pills perscribed, anti-anxiety meds, and still cannot sleep. i have two adorable cats curled up around me, one snoring lightly, and the tick tock of the kitchen clock.

there is vodka in the freezer, wine in the rack, beer in the fridge. i am trying to be strong and not succumb to their ever growing calls of temptation. i know how easy it would be to drink myself into a stupor and pass out. however, i enjoy alcohol. if i drink it when i NEED it, well then its time to stop drinking. So, no alcohol to help me sleep. I am being med compliant and taking what I am perscribed, but it would be so easy to take just one more. fortunately i am pertified of any sort of overdose so that is not an option.

so, here i sit. typing to you dear reader. my friends. i believe that the only way that i am going to get through this nightmare is to be transparent and try to be accountable to someone. well right now it is this blog and those of you who read it.

as i mentioned in my previous blog... i was at some friend's house last night. all i could think about was how much sue would have loved them and all of the music. i wanted to see her there playing her guitar or beating on the drum. this is so hard. i have had to be strong for so long... i don't know how to be weak. i need to let these new friends see what is really happening in my life, but i am petrified that it will scare them off. i just want to stop crying. to stop hurting and being so angry all of the time. it's been 5 months and she still consumes my every thought. i feel guilty for having new experiences without her. stupid i know...

i have stopped eating. it's been three days now. it started as a fast to help clear my thoughts, but it has just kept going. the wierd thing is i have no appetite. it's not that i am depriving myself. i just don't want to eat.

the more i type the more i think i am going a little nuts. i did stop seeing my shrink. she pissed me off. and she is not a Christian so she cannot give me the guidance i need. i am supposed to meet a lady at church on Sunday who is a counselor. hopefully that will work out.

tick tock the clock goes on

ok, i have whined enough for one posting. just a reminder... i vent here so i can feel better. please don't think i am about to jump off of a bridge or something. as always, i am fine. slightly damaged at the moment, but fine.

sd

Friends

2009-10-10T03:53:00.002-04:00

Ok, I am really trying not to be one of those Holy Rollers who talks about nothing but God. I mean... well not that there is anything wrong with that... He is pretty stinkin cool... there is life... but recently one only happens with the other.

I have made some pretty nifty friends through the church. They are real people, not surface Sunday Christians like I grew up with. Being around them has made me realize one thing. They have a joy that I don't and I know why. I am PISSED! I am pissed that God let Sue get Kufs, I am pisssed that I had to see the love of my life in flames, I am pissed that I have directly ended two lives in three years, I AM PISSED. There I said it. I want to scream obscenities towards the heavens.

I see two clear paths. Surround myself with people who are as pissed as I am and "show Him." Seems futile. Or, surround myself with people who have this joy and work through my anger. I have chosen the latter. Since actively making that choice I have developed friendships with these nifty folks.

Now, here is the tough one... I do want to get married again. I know that now. Not that I want to get married NOW... but well you know what I mean. I am open to meeting someone in the future. AND, I am not completely opposed to that person being male. Ok... I will wait while you re-read that sentence.

So I am now a pissed, bi-curious (in reverse), Christian with nifty new friends. Ta-da!

5 months

2009-10-08T22:57:00.000-04:00

it's been 5 months today.

temper tantrum

2009-10-08T10:12:00.003-04:00

ok, so back up a few days...

i was fighting yet another kidney stone (happy news-they are no longer being produced, just have to pass the ones in my kidneys) Sat night/Sun morning. Needless to say I did not attend church.

This morning I was still awake at 7:30 and thought screw it I am going for my walk. I have several different paths I take to keep my mind occupied. Well today it took me about an hour and a half. I got home, tired, but feeling pretty good. Champ the neighborhood dog ran up to me and we had a love fest. well he drooled and i got stinky hands. It is safe to say a good time was had by all : ) I gave him a special Susie hug before I went in to feed my own animals.

Having fed the cats, I sit down at the computer and begin a whiny letter to my mom. I get sick of hearing (well reading) myself and for no real reason at all click on the church's home page. At the top: This Week's Sermon. Hmmm I should listen to that! So I did. It addressed so much that I have been feeling lately. I need to listen again when I have slept and can take notes, but it was good. Profoundly good in my life. I can only imagine how it helped others.

It is now almost 10:30am. No sleep. Hoping to catch a quick cat nap before the daily calls start coming in.

love you all!
sd, bd, me

where is God?

2009-10-08T03:15:00.001-04:00

i want to scream at the top of my lungs. WHERE ARE YOU???? Its 3 am and I haven't slept in days! I haven't slept in our bed in almost 5 months. WHERE ARE YOU???? Friends promise to visit. WHERE ARE THEY?

I am having a pity party. Ignore me. I just wish I had a safe place to scream.

New outlet

2009-10-07T16:36:00.002-04:00

SO I am writing this thing... it's not a play, it's not a book, not a poem, it's a thing.

I have entitled it "What if Judas had an iphone" Would it have made a difference? Probably not, GOd gave Judas over to Satan, but there are definately some moments of comedy and heart break in there. From "no answer...it went straight to voicemail" to WTF do u have any idea wht u r doing?

Much research on this textese is needed. Anyway, it is keeping me occupied :)

Lesli

Nightmare

2009-10-04T23:12:00.005-04:00

I had the worst dreams last night. In the first one Sue and I were in a huge hospital. She was being wheeled somewhere by a nurse. I tried to follow, but I couldn't keep up. She kept calling my name. I would answer back, but she couldn't hear me. They finally went through a set of locked doors. I couldn't get to her. She kept calling my name and I couldn't comfort her.

Seque to dream number two or continuation of my previous dream. I am in my pastor's office with several of the friends I have made at church. I explain what had just happened and they all tell me that I am being selfish and taking up too much of their time. One even tells me that I am not allowed to call them and i need to make an appointment if I want to talk at all.

I know it was a dream, but I have to wonder if I am being too needy.

SD

Almost

2009-10-02T00:08:00.003-04:00

I had an almost day today. There is a women's bible study at my church. I set the alarm to get and well, i don't do mornings. So...almost. There is repeat of the bible study at 7pm. I almost went, but could not get myself to go.

I am still petrified of rejection. I have been given no reason to expect that reaction, but sometimes I still wait for the bolt of lightning to strike when I walk into the church. I have conquered my fear of the services, i have a nifty sound booth to hide behind. If someone starts asking too many questions I simply pretend I need to check a mic or something. Its all so stupid, sophmoric, childish, pathetic (insert adjective here) What am I running from?

I actually like the pastor, a first for me. One thing still remains... I know that I am tolerated even accepted but, I know, because I asked, that my sexuality is viewed as being... askew from God's will. I

I wish straight people could understand. Honestly, I would kill to be straight. Life would be so much easier. Well, life outside of Northampton.

The deeper I get into the church, the more I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting to be told that I have reached my limit, I should stay tucked away. I guess that is just the rejection from my youth resurfing. As I said, I have been given no reason to feel this way. Quite the opposite.

I almost told someone how i was feeling today. Really feeling. I don't know how to say or even identify what emotions are going on in my head. Almost...

Almost is better than nothing. It is a step.

Maybe tomorrow I will actually ask for a hug. The lack of physical contact is quite devistating.

And, to you my dear friends... thank you for being so persistant. I truly have the best friends imaginable. I love you guys!!!

SD

TMI

2009-09-29T19:08:00.003-04:00

I will put this as delicately as possible...

Flash back to February/March.

Dr. Ladyparts told me that I had Nasty Neoplasms in places that they aught not be. I call this period of time in my life "The Broken Va-Jay-Jay." Dr. Ladyparts gave me many strong chemicals to make Nasty Neoplasms go away.

Apparently said chemicals pissed of Mother Nature. She has been withholding my monthly gift ever since. Well it appears that I have done enough penance. I am bloated, irritable, running to the store for back up, and I could not be happier.

Screw you Nasty Neoplasms!

Whoo hoo!

I'm Still Here!

2009-09-29T12:50:00.003-04:00

To quote "Ladies who Lunch"I am still here.

I daily think about swallowing the cornucopia of pills I have in the med box, but I am still here.

I am in full on hermit mode. I leave the house to get my blood draws twice a week, go to my bereavment group, and church. Pathetic, but I am still here.

I am afraid to go to the grocery store, but I am still here.

I have found a place to belong, for now anyway. My family here is growing. I am coming out of my shell and being more proactive. I have made a friend that I truely thougt would be, not a nemesis, but, oh what is the word, lets just say a road block in my desire to renew my faith in organized religion.

I am here. I owe none of it to myself. It would be so easy to dump those pills into some pudding and wake up in Sue's arms. I am alive today because of the grace of God. He has seen me in my lowest points and wrapped his loving arms around me. I do not know why this pain runs so deep. Maybe because it happened so tragically, maybe because of the relief I feel, maybe because of the guilt i feel. Who knows.

In talking with my bereavement group we have all agreed that at some point we have plataued or even slipped backwards. The changing of the seasons has made me feel Sue's abasence more keenly.

I am perservering. When I can't take another breath, I turn to Christ. The pain does not disappear, but I feel a peace.

How gracious is God that he would care how I am feeling? It amazes me that he uses people who would deny his existance to build me up. I was so distraught the other day. My phone rang, it was a friend who is an avid athiest. His advice was word for word from the Bible. When I mentioned that he laughed and told me not to hold it against him.

So, I am still here. Still grieving. Still growing.

SD

ANd for all of you who are sending me encouraging messages. Please don't be offended that I am not answering. I appreciate your love more that you will ever know. Don't give up on my just yet!

Pit

2009-09-26T13:52:00.002-04:00

Ever seen the Princess Bride? Of course you have! Well, I have been feeling like I am in the pit of dispair. (minus the albino) I spend most of my time alone and it is driving me mad.

I have forgotten what Sue's voice sounds like. That kills me.

BUT, I was cleaning out some stuff today and came across Sue's application dvd for her service dog. Its relief has been two fold.

1) I get to see and hear my angel again.

2) I am reminded of haw bad off she really was. It is easy to pretend that things weren't so bad. But, they were. It is easier letting her go after seeing it.

I am working on breaking out of this hermit mode I am in.

Thanks to all for your love and support.

Lesli

What a difference a few days can make!

2009-08-21T23:20:00.002-04:00

I have talked to my Dean and I will be starting classes Sept 2! I will have to miss a couple of classes week two for my surgery, but i am in school!

I was out tonight for a bit and was hit on by a really cute girl about my age. I am no where near being ready for a relationship... or even a date, but it was nice. A lil boost to the ego.

SD

Staring

2009-08-18T18:36:00.003-04:00

I have spent the better part of the last 48 hrs sitting on the couch staring at Sue's recliner. No lights... just staring. I see her there laughing, crying, screaming in frustration and I am doing the same. I am letting her go and it hurts like hell. I want to call friends, to reach out, but I can't stop crying long enough to actually talk. I know I have to go through this. I know it's part of moving on, but man it sucks.

at least it isn't raining...

Tears

2009-06-23T21:08:00.001-04:00

I really miss Sue today. I can't stop crying. My mom leaves tomorrow and my life alone oficially begins. I don't mean friendless alone, but partnerless alone.

Firsts

2009-05-27T01:12:00.002-04:00

I just made my first car payment with out Sue's account. Just celebrated my first national holiday with out her. Cleaned out the dresser of stuff I know I will never use again, with out her telling me that I have to keep it.

And, it hit me today... she is never coming home. SHe is not on a vacation, she is not in the hospital, she has moved on. I am happy for her. I know how limited she was in her current body, but it SUCKS being left behind.

I am still not totally over hoping that these tumors are malignant. I know that is the grief talking, it's not what she would want, blah blah. I just don't know if it is humanly possible to get over this pain. Half of my soul is gone.

AND I AM OUT OF CIGS DAMN IT!

SD

Just the facts mam

2009-05-05T00:32:00.002-04:00

I am really trying to keep my personal feelings out of Sue's page. The truth is I am crumbling inside. It has been 5 days since I have heard my angel's voice, her laugh, seen that adorable dimple when she smiles. I miss my best friend more that words can express.

Even at our lowest points we never went more than a couple of days with out talking.

I am praying that this ex-tubation works. I have signed all of the paperwork to ensure no trach, no permanent feeding tube, she is DNR. No paddles, no compressions, no chemical stimulus. I know it is what she wants, and it kills me to think of her suffering. I am giving her the tools she needs to start to heal. After that, its up to her and what she is ready to fight for...

I am ending this mid thought because sleep meds just kicked in.

talk to you all soon!

oh yeah, i have masses in my thyroid. found that out today. Whoo hoo!

THurs 2:56 am

2009-04-30T02:53:00.002-04:00

Sue has been put on the list to begin her skin grafts this morning.

She is unrecognizable at this point. THe Dr talked me through the many surgeries she is going to have to have. After shedding many tears I signed the DNR and refused a trachea tube and feeding tube. SHe currently has a tube going precariously down her nose. This has honestly been the longest day of my life.

Please keep those prayers coming.

Lesli

Sue

2009-04-29T20:31:00.002-04:00

Sue snuck out on the front porch today while I was doing dishes. I heard her screaming and ran out to see what had happened. She lit a cigarette and caught her shirt on fire. She has 3rd degree burns on 14% of her body, including her chest, mouth, and nose. She was taken, by life flight, to Massachusetts General Hospital. Please keep her in your prayers. I will have my cell on me, but am not sure if I will get reception at the hospital. I am also not sure if I will have internet access there.

Thank you in advance for your support.

Les

Broken

2009-03-06T01:27:00.001-05:00

My va-jaay-jay is broken. Enough said.

The jury is in

2009-03-04T18:45:00.002-05:00

Well we have great news and some not so great news.

We finally have a date to pick up Sue's service dog. We will be in ND from May 31-June 20. WHOO HOO! Thank you to all who have donated towards her dog. THose of you who haven't get on it people!!! :)

On a more serious side. I got my biopsy results back today. I have abnormal cells in my uterine wall. I am going to have a DNC (abortion with out the baby) soon. They will take more biopsies from that. As of now, no cancer, just very aggressive precancerous cells. I am so thankful that i insisted on the biopsy. Totally positive thoughts until I hear differently.

Hope you all are well.

Lesli

More Doggie Stuff

2009-02-17T23:25:00.002-05:00

We found out that Sue will get a lab mix. Here are pics of the possibilities:

Help With Sue's Service Doggie!!!

2009-02-12T17:07:00.001-05:00

Sue has just been approved for a service dog! We are very excited to be traveling to South Dakota this summer to finish training with the new dog. It will help her with seizure recognition, getting up and down, climbing stairs, companionship, among many other things!

The cost for this dog is $15,000. Much of it is underwritten, but we are expected to pay or raise a percentage. We are asking all of our friends and family to make what ever donation they can. $5 is great! ANYTHING will help!

Tax deductible donations can be made to:

Service Dogs for America
Great Plains Assistance Dogs Foundation Inc.
920 Short Street P.O. Box 513
Jud, North Dakota 58454
701-685-2242 * 877-737-8364 (toll free)
**Please make a note that the donation is for Sue Reynolds

Lesli

Winter is here : )

2009-02-06T14:56:00.004-05:00

School started last week. (much anticipated, i was dying of boredom!) All of my classes are going well and seem to be manageable. And a couple of them are actually fun.

I FINALLY got into to see a Primary Care Physician here in NoHo. (The wait list was 3 months long). He is concerned about some stuff he found during my girlie exam and sent me to an OB/GYN. They will be doing biopsies on Wed. It's all pretty much precautionary, but unsettling none the less. I also have a round of blood tests tomorrow at 8am (how evil is that!!!) I have to wake my ass up at 7am to let someone stick a needle in my arm. Can we do a brunch time type thing?

The cold is brutal here. I am becoming an expert snow shoveler, for a Texan anyway. (not a skill I ever really wanted)

More updates as they come in!

Leap of Faith

2009-01-20T00:48:00.002-05:00

Having conquered my fear of adding friends from college, I have ventured on to HS. All but one of my college friends have been really cool. The irony is that she was the one who was the most ok with everything "way back when." It sucks, but I am thankful for the people who have accepted me.

On to the WBC youth group. I am not sure that they will react as positively. I am hopeful that most will turn out well. I guess I am hoping what everyone hopes... that they will be happy that I am happy. We'll see...

Completely changing the subject. Ben, our previous roommate, had a family emergency and has moved out. So, Sue and I have the place to our selves. There are definite pluses and minuses to him being gone. All being said, we miss him. But, I have had a blast buying new furniture for the house. We just bought a reclining sofa, recliner, and marble top kitchen table. The HD tv comes next month. We are looking at paint samples to paint the living room. And on the hunt for a bed for the guest bedroom.

I should probably get to sleep. More snow tonight, which means lots of shoveling tomorrow.

SD

Spring Classes

2008-12-29T21:50:00.003-05:00

So, I finally caught up with my Dean to get her signature on my course request! It was all via email... but hey it's done.

I will be taking:

Spanish for Health Professionals (took 4 years in HS...hoping this will be fairly easy)
Advanced Algebra (Easy)
Nutrition (sounds easy, but is supposed to be a rough course)
and Chemistry (I love Chem...should not be too intense)

So, all in all the semester looks like a lot of work, but nothing insurmountable!

SD

Catchin up

2008-12-29T13:44:00.001-05:00

So I am catching up with the times...

All of my lovely blogger friends have one of these counter thingies... so here is mine. Woefully past due. I didn't realize it was read this often!

Love you all!
SD

Thankful

2008-12-25T04:13:00.004-05:00

I am wide awake at 4am fighting insomnia, as usual. Tonight is different though. I am not fretting over bills, Dr appts, moving, school, or any of the normal things that keep me up at night. Tonight I am watching Sue sleep, and I feel blessed. We are in TN with my family, celebrating another Christmas together.

We spent the past two days baking cookies, making truffles, cleaning the house for all of the Brown clan to come over for Christmas dinner. We did it together and have enjoyed sharing a domestic kind of bliss... together.

I think I lose sight of that sometimes. I get so wrapped up in the "normal stresses" that I forget to enjoy today. I am enjoying tonight greatly. Sue has the cutest little snore and I am being insanely mean by tickling her nose and giggling as she rubs it.

I know tomorrow, well later today, will be a flurry of relatives and cooking. So, I am enjoying the calm and quiet that only 4am can bring.

Merry Christmas everyone. I wish you all the peace that I feel right now!

p.s. just looked up my grades for the semester and am exceedingly happy!!!!

Rough day

2008-11-19T14:36:00.003-05:00

Today has been one of the toughest days yet. We went to Sue's Speech Therapy appointment. Most of the hour was spent doing word association games to trigger connections in her brain. That was rough, but Sue was able to laugh through it and actually started improving by the end. As we were leaving the therapist asked Sue to write the alphabet. She could not get past "g." She cried, I cried, and eventually the therapist cried. Another bridge crossed. We continue to do work to stabilize her cognitive abilities, but it is heart breaking to see her at this stage. She knows what is happening to her. She sees her abilities leaving her. It's just so cruel.

Thank You Susan Egan

2008-11-11T15:39:00.000-05:00

Dear Friends --

I thought you might be interested to know that Scott Eckern, Artsitic Director of California Music Theatre (Sacramento Music Circus) contributed $1000 in support of California's divisive Proposition 8, which eliminates (not just bans) the right for same-sex couples to marry and receive all of the emotional, economic, and social benefits that married couples often take for granted. Mr. Eckern's affiliation with CMT, as well as his title and the amount donated to legislate the lives of others, is public information that can be found at

http://antigayblacklist.com

Marc Shaiman, composer (most notably of "Hairspray", which was produced at CMT last year) has already contacted Sacramento's CMT and expressed his disgust with the idea that a theatrical organization, employing and making money from gay artists and audience members, harbors an executive who uses a portion of his income to publicly support hate legislation (my term). I believe Mr. Shaiman may have told them they would no longer be allowed to produce his work, and has contacted the creators of "Avenue Q" (to be produced in March of '09) to enlighten them.

I am deeply troubled by the news about Scott, as I have worked for and known him since 1993. I find his behavior hypocritical at best and, more likely, distressingly prejudiced. Many of you friends who, like myself, have worked for Scott might be floored to know this news. I think at this point I shall do my best to "out" him and any others like him. Folks who show (and make money) playing one game, but with an inner intolerance that denies everything our industry represents.

I have personally been in contact with Marc Shaiman to confirm all the information. In his words:

"Yes, it's all true! Of course, there is nothing much I can do since they've already done HAIRSPRAY, but the AVE Q guys (at least one of them) may do something, perhaps picket his own show! But, as I hope people realize, it is not really up to a writer to cancel a production that has already been licensed.

What I could do I did, which was to call Mr. Eckern directly and say what I had to say.

Reading this past week how people still actually think being gay is a choice (the only choice we make is not to lie about who we are) and that that one line from a beautiful book proves we are sinners (a book that also allows for the stoning of wives and of people who wear two different kinds of fabric at the same time), well, I am starting to feel that the only way to make people change is, I think, to now greet every person I meet and say "Hi, I'm Marc, God made me gay and I think that that He and I are both fabulous!" and leave the rest up to them."

Sacramento Music Circus holds a cherished place in my heart, primarily because of Leland Ball and the inspirational talents he would gather for his productions. I feel the spirit of Leland is lost under Scott's leadership. As a private citizen I choose not to support California Music Theatre while it operates under Mr. Eckern's tenure.

I support Marc Shaiman in his boycott of CMT, and hope others will follow -- as ticket-buyers, writers, musical directors, crew, designers and performers and more.

I feel compelled to write because I have heard from so many beloved friends the last few days. People who are in every way caring and generous citizens. Friends who are for the most part very quiet on the political front, who have had to awaken because of last Tuesday, due to their shock that their lifestyles are not "accepted" by so-called friends!! The irony of electing Obama and Prop 8 passing astounds me.

I am not ordinarily a political fighter, but I do believe in information for all, and let them decide. And more than anything I believe in "holding the space" for what is right.

In support of my gay and lesbian friends I find it a travesty that the entire arts community is not standing in solidarity for equal rights. Shame on Scott.

That our industry should be the first to raise money and awareness for AIDS to the result of awakening a country and world to the issue ... well then, marriage (and every other sort of) equality is a no-brainer ... and a duty and obligation.

I hope with this email to find others to "hold the space" with me .... full equality in marriage rights. If you should feel compelled to pass the information about Scott Eckern on to others .... by all means do.

Hoping for change .... still,

Susan Egan

Closing time

2008-11-11T12:04:00.002-05:00

So, the semester is almost over. (three more weeks of classes...with Thanksgiving holiday figured in)

Not much to report after all of these months. School is going well. It is frustrating to be working so much and trying to study, but what 30 something does not go through that)

I have been approved as Sue's PCA. Translation: I am paid for 56 hours a week to take care of Sue. She is a relentless boss! But, seriously, It is a huge blessing. I have a young man helping out 10 hours a week which allows me to head for the library and get some studying done.

Trepidation

2008-07-18T03:08:00.003-04:00

Dear Dyke Diary,

I have recently made contact with several friends from college, specifically the BSU (Baptist Student Union). It is always with a bit of trepidation that I approve these friends or request them as I see them on other's profiles. I had a pretty amazing group of friends in college. We were so diverse, yet shared one passion that brought us all together.

I "officially" came out after I left school, but I had let most of them in on what was happening in my life before my Junior year. There was a divide that started once I came out. Everything from are you attracted to me (umm no)(my roommate at the time laughingly said "why not???") to not returning calls, to out and out saying that I was no longer a part of their lives.

My biggest critic from the BSU ended up running off with my pastor (who happened to be married at the time). I have to say that made me laugh. A lot. Schadenfreude!

Anyway, back the the point of this blog...every time I talk to one of these friends for the first time I hold my breath and wait for the fire and brim stone to rain down on my little lesbo head. I have been pleasantly surprised...no fire...not a sign of brimstone...I don't know if I have changed...if they are less fanatical...if the climate of our society has eased the way for me...I dunno...

I will say this...the people that I thought would be totally accepting are still stand-offish and the ones that I thought would shun me completely seem happy for me that I have Sue. Once again proving that predicting another human being's behavior is futile.

Tangent: (For those of you from SFA): I cannot tell you how much I miss the camp fires and singing at Grandma and Grandpa's. The plethora of sodas, snacks, and pictures...they must love the digital age!

Anyway, I think that my trepidation has lead way to hope. Hope that maybe someday young gay Christians can just skip that painful initial rejection and go straight (no pun intended) to acceptance. That they will never have to be afraid of how they were made, of being pushed aside like a leper, but most importantly of fearing that the all loving God that they hold so dear hates them.

Endings...beginnings

2008-05-26T02:02:00.002-04:00

Well...I guess this did not work out as a tour blog!

We just spent two weeks in Dallas and closed today. The show is done D-U-N! I have mixed emotions as I always do when a show closes. I have to admit that things at home have kept me less focused on life on the road than I normally am. I suppose that makes it easier to say good bye.

Anyway...I fly out in four hours. I am going to smoke and then crash. I will try to do better with this whole blogging thing!

More to come...

2008-01-17T19:26:00.001-05:00

I am slowly but surely moving away from MySpace. Hence the need for a new blog site.

We are headed to Newport News tomorrow. I will post more once we arrive!

SuperDuke