TMI

I will put this as delicately as possible...

Flash back to February/March.

Dr. Ladyparts told me that I had Nasty Neoplasms in places that they aught not be. I call this period of time in my life "The Broken Va-Jay-Jay." Dr. Ladyparts gave me many strong chemicals to make Nasty Neoplasms go away.

Apparently said chemicals pissed of Mother Nature. She has been withholding my monthly gift ever since. Well it appears that I have done enough penance. I am bloated, irritable, running to the store for back up, and I could not be happier.

Screw you Nasty Neoplasms!

Whoo hoo!

I'm Still Here!

To quote "Ladies who Lunch"I am still here.

I daily think about swallowing the cornucopia of pills I have in the med box, but I am still here.

I am in full on hermit mode. I leave the house to get my blood draws twice a week, go to my bereavment group, and church. Pathetic, but I am still here.

I am afraid to go to the grocery store, but I am still here.

I have found a place to belong, for now anyway. My family here is growing. I am coming out of my shell and being more proactive. I have made a friend that I truely thougt would be, not a nemesis, but, oh what is the word, lets just say a road block in my desire to renew my faith in organized religion.

I am here. I owe none of it to myself. It would be so easy to dump those pills into some pudding and wake up in Sue's arms. I am alive today because of the grace of God. He has seen me in my lowest points and wrapped his loving arms around me. I do not know why this pain runs so deep. Maybe because it happened so tragically, maybe because of the relief I feel, maybe because of the guilt i feel. Who knows.

In talking with my bereavement group we have all agreed that at some point we have plataued or even slipped backwards. The changing of the seasons has made me feel Sue's abasence more keenly.

I am perservering. When I can't take another breath, I turn to Christ. The pain does not disappear, but I feel a peace.

How gracious is God that he would care how I am feeling? It amazes me that he uses people who would deny his existance to build me up. I was so distraught the other day. My phone rang, it was a friend who is an avid athiest. His advice was word for word from the Bible. When I mentioned that he laughed and told me not to hold it against him.

So, I am still here. Still grieving. Still growing.

SD

ANd for all of you who are sending me encouraging messages. Please don't be offended that I am not answering. I appreciate your love more that you will ever know. Don't give up on my just yet!

Pit

Ever seen the Princess Bride? Of course you have! Well, I have been feeling like I am in the pit of dispair. (minus the albino) I spend most of my time alone and it is driving me mad.

I have forgotten what Sue's voice sounds like. That kills me.

BUT, I was cleaning out some stuff today and came across Sue's application dvd for her service dog. Its relief has been two fold.

1) I get to see and hear my angel again.

2) I am reminded of haw bad off she really was. It is easy to pretend that things weren't so bad. But, they were. It is easier letting her go after seeing it.

I am working on breaking out of this hermit mode I am in.

Thanks to all for your love and support.

Lesli

What a difference a few days can make!

I have talked to my Dean and I will be starting classes Sept 2! I will have to miss a couple of classes week two for my surgery, but i am in school!

I was out tonight for a bit and was hit on by a really cute girl about my age. I am no where near being ready for a relationship... or even a date, but it was nice. A lil boost to the ego.

SD

Staring

I have spent the better part of the last 48 hrs sitting on the couch staring at Sue's recliner. No lights... just staring. I see her there laughing, crying, screaming in frustration and I am doing the same. I am letting her go and it hurts like hell. I want to call friends, to reach out, but I can't stop crying long enough to actually talk. I know I have to go through this. I know it's part of moving on, but man it sucks.

at least it isn't raining...

Tears

I really miss Sue today. I can't stop crying. My mom leaves tomorrow and my life alone oficially begins. I don't mean friendless alone, but partnerless alone.

Firsts

I just made my first car payment with out Sue's account. Just celebrated my first national holiday with out her. Cleaned out the dresser of stuff I know I will never use again, with out her telling me that I have to keep it.

And, it hit me today... she is never coming home. SHe is not on a vacation, she is not in the hospital, she has moved on. I am happy for her. I know how limited she was in her current body, but it SUCKS being left behind.

I am still not totally over hoping that these tumors are malignant. I know that is the grief talking, it's not what she would want, blah blah. I just don't know if it is humanly possible to get over this pain. Half of my soul is gone.

AND I AM OUT OF CIGS DAMN IT!


SD