I'm Still Here!

To quote "Ladies who Lunch"I am still here.

I daily think about swallowing the cornucopia of pills I have in the med box, but I am still here.

I am in full on hermit mode. I leave the house to get my blood draws twice a week, go to my bereavment group, and church. Pathetic, but I am still here.

I am afraid to go to the grocery store, but I am still here.

I have found a place to belong, for now anyway. My family here is growing. I am coming out of my shell and being more proactive. I have made a friend that I truely thougt would be, not a nemesis, but, oh what is the word, lets just say a road block in my desire to renew my faith in organized religion.

I am here. I owe none of it to myself. It would be so easy to dump those pills into some pudding and wake up in Sue's arms. I am alive today because of the grace of God. He has seen me in my lowest points and wrapped his loving arms around me. I do not know why this pain runs so deep. Maybe because it happened so tragically, maybe because of the relief I feel, maybe because of the guilt i feel. Who knows.

In talking with my bereavement group we have all agreed that at some point we have plataued or even slipped backwards. The changing of the seasons has made me feel Sue's abasence more keenly.

I am perservering. When I can't take another breath, I turn to Christ. The pain does not disappear, but I feel a peace.

How gracious is God that he would care how I am feeling? It amazes me that he uses people who would deny his existance to build me up. I was so distraught the other day. My phone rang, it was a friend who is an avid athiest. His advice was word for word from the Bible. When I mentioned that he laughed and told me not to hold it against him.

So, I am still here. Still grieving. Still growing.

SD

ANd for all of you who are sending me encouraging messages. Please don't be offended that I am not answering. I appreciate your love more that you will ever know. Don't give up on my just yet!