moving on

i know i haven't written in a while. i have been going through many inner battles that i was honestly afraid to share here. i think i will still keep a couple to myself.

the most important thing that has come out of the past few months is that i can now accept that my susie is not coming back and that i will be ok. no, i am ok... better than ok actually.

i now have a full time job, am pursuing my bachelors in psychology full time, as well as having many commitments at the church i recently joined. my life is full. i can say that because i know know that sue will always be a part of me and i no longer need to hold a space for her. she is there no matter what.

i have a newly renewed faith and have embraced my christianity, and all that goes with it, with a great deal of vigor. it has meant many major changes in my life. fortunately God has been faithful and is making the changes for me, as i am too clumsy to navigate my way down this path.

i have made some dear friends over the past year. none can replace you guys, but i realized that i must start building a life somewhere and here seemed as good a place as any... many walls in my life have been torn down. i am an open book at this point. i have no secrets and am able to express what i am feeling more clearly than ever. it has taken this great loss to break me down. in "rebuilding" i have been able to pick and chose what i like about myself and do a great deal of changing.

i took my wedding ring off today. it is the next step in my journey. i need to move forward, the ring was a constant reminder of what i had lost. i want to remember what sue brought into my life... not what is missing. i feel the best way to honor her memory is to keep her in my heart and our rings in her urn. i would be lying if i said tears were not shed... but they are good tears, tears of resolve, no longer tears of defeat.

i love you all and miss you more than words can express.

Lesli

My Immortal

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

confused

before i left on this trip i was told to "know who i am."

the funny thing is i feel more like myself the past 12 hours than i have the past 10 months. superduke lives :) and people understand what that means.

people are reaching out to be with me... not the other way around.

i feel almost like a leper back home. like i am looking in on a party through a dusty old window. i am so torn. right vs wrong. me vs them. me vs me. me vs a memory.

i think it may be time to get back to my peeps. i have been fighting so hard for friendships that are sporadic at best. if i show up... if i jump through their hoops

doh! to be continued... gotta run!!!! henrietta hudsons is calling!!!

Les

Thank you

I truly have the best friends and family imaginable. You guys have supported me through all of my stupid decisions, honest emotions, growth, and regressions. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Superduke, BD, Lesli, Me

9 mos

It's been 9 months. I don't know why some anniversaries of her death destroy me and some I don't even notice. Well, this one I noticed. I miss her so much. I know you must be sick of hearing me say that, but I cannot believe that the worl has continued to spin with out her here. It is so unnatural.

what might have been

i know i am supposed to be learning to live with the pain.. blah blah blah, but, all of a sudden, i am so angry! i am mad that i have been cheated out of our future together. i am mad that i am single again. i am mad that there is no one here to hold me whan i cry. i am mad at sue and that makes me mad at myself. it is this nasty cycle that i cannot get out of. i feel like i should be passed this now. grr. once again. grief sucks.

last week

ok... i finally have the courage to put this out there for you guys to see. Last Sat night i overdosed on sleeping pills. yes, it was intentional. i just wanted to see Sue so badly. i don't want to leave this life, but it seems so unnatural with her missing. i was in the hospital for several days in a behavioral unit. aka psych ward. i apparently shaved my head sometime Sunday morning. i have no recollection of it. i am ok now... so don't worry! i was just stupid and selfish for a bit. i am over it now.

love you guys
SD