Robin Williams

Robin Williams suicide hits close to home. As someone who has battled depression most of my life suicidal thoughts are always floating around. The question is how close to the surface are they. This is true for more people than I think most realize. For those of us who experience such feelings, we lack the words to express the depth of dispair we feel. A call saying hey I need to hang out tonight may be all we can get out. As I look at pics of him floating all over FB all I can think is I get it... I have been there and I don't know what stopped me. A massive rejection lately and some tough situations upcoming move thoughts forward. Why are they there for some and not others? Can it be blamed on massive childhood trauma? Traumatic events as adults? DNA? All of the above? Who can say... I do understand his dispair. I get thinking that things will never get better... that you mean nothing. Unfortunately, it is hardwired in there. I recently had a conversation with two people to iron out some difficulties which lasted about an hour and a half. Much was said. I am sure affirmations were there. The one thing I heard... from someone I greatly respect and care about, is that I am not the "full package" and cannot be used at this time. My hardwiring. So I beat my head against the wall to be this package I know I will never be and the hopelessness sets in and there goes the cycle. I say this not for pity but to give you a glimpse into the mind of someone who leans towards such extremes. You get enough of these cycles going and the "why bother" button is fairly easy to push. I see all of these FB posts about him, but I wonder how frequently people actually reached out to him. I say this as I think of the silence in my own life. I had an emotionally rough day today. I reached out to several friends beforehand and told them it would be hard. They know my past. Crickets. Not even a text. Fortuatley today was an ok day, but in another head space today could have ended very differently. A dear friend who lost her husband to suicide very close to when I lost Sue explained that it is perfect set of circumstances on a given day. Thankfully today was not that day. You cannot single-handedly take on a depressed person and babysit them. It is too exhausting, you are not a mental health worker, and you have a life. Let's be realistic. But, you would be amazed what a simple phone call or text can do to simply let someone know they matter.