Robin Williams

Robin Williams suicide hits close to home. As someone who has battled depression most of my life suicidal thoughts are always floating around. The question is how close to the surface are they. This is true for more people than I think most realize. For those of us who experience such feelings, we lack the words to express the depth of dispair we feel. A call saying hey I need to hang out tonight may be all we can get out. As I look at pics of him floating all over FB all I can think is I get it... I have been there and I don't know what stopped me. A massive rejection lately and some tough situations upcoming move thoughts forward. Why are they there for some and not others? Can it be blamed on massive childhood trauma? Traumatic events as adults? DNA? All of the above? Who can say... I do understand his dispair. I get thinking that things will never get better... that you mean nothing. Unfortunately, it is hardwired in there. I recently had a conversation with two people to iron out some difficulties which lasted about an hour and a half. Much was said. I am sure affirmations were there. The one thing I heard... from someone I greatly respect and care about, is that I am not the "full package" and cannot be used at this time. My hardwiring. So I beat my head against the wall to be this package I know I will never be and the hopelessness sets in and there goes the cycle. I say this not for pity but to give you a glimpse into the mind of someone who leans towards such extremes. You get enough of these cycles going and the "why bother" button is fairly easy to push. I see all of these FB posts about him, but I wonder how frequently people actually reached out to him. I say this as I think of the silence in my own life. I had an emotionally rough day today. I reached out to several friends beforehand and told them it would be hard. They know my past. Crickets. Not even a text. Fortuatley today was an ok day, but in another head space today could have ended very differently. A dear friend who lost her husband to suicide very close to when I lost Sue explained that it is perfect set of circumstances on a given day. Thankfully today was not that day. You cannot single-handedly take on a depressed person and babysit them. It is too exhausting, you are not a mental health worker, and you have a life. Let's be realistic. But, you would be amazed what a simple phone call or text can do to simply let someone know they matter.

6 things cont.

Fri 4/29
1) moved ot dan and davri's
2) met with pastor Ali
3) amazing lunch! Turkish refuse plate!
4) blessed by hearing yvonne talk about merve.
5) began to understand real purpose here.
6) getting to know Debbie... Very cool...

6 things

We have been challenged to write six things per day that stuck out in our minds. I am a couple of days late, but here goes.

Tues 4/26
1) pics with Pete are going to e fun
2) I have smoked my last cig
3) sitting behind Behlke is fun... Of course I only hit his seat by accident
4) God is good. My bags weighed in at 49.7 lbs
5) encouragement can come from e strangest of places.
6) a friend finally broke down and let me be a friend to them.

Wed 4/27
1) I need to spend more time actively seeking God
2) united sux as an international airline. (lufthansa all the way baby)
3) dr. Don is an extremely handy person to have around. Italian lady at surgery needed emergent help on the flight to Munich.
4)I can actually sleep on planes. Slept all the way fro. Munich to Ankara.
5) Will and Barb are amazing people with eyes only for the Lord.
6) 400 Turkish believers out of 4,500,000 people in Ankara

Thurs 4/28
1) I can do much more physically than i thought I could.
2) archeological museum in ankara is truly breath taking.
3) I have an immediate and immense love for the children of this country.
4) there is a beauty to the simplicity of life in the old city.
5) will's statement: why wouldn't I help you. You are my brothers and sisters in Christ.
6) The complexity of nationalism and religion being sp inter twined.

moving on

i know i haven't written in a while. i have been going through many inner battles that i was honestly afraid to share here. i think i will still keep a couple to myself.

the most important thing that has come out of the past few months is that i can now accept that my susie is not coming back and that i will be ok. no, i am ok... better than ok actually.

i now have a full time job, am pursuing my bachelors in psychology full time, as well as having many commitments at the church i recently joined. my life is full. i can say that because i know know that sue will always be a part of me and i no longer need to hold a space for her. she is there no matter what.

i have a newly renewed faith and have embraced my christianity, and all that goes with it, with a great deal of vigor. it has meant many major changes in my life. fortunately God has been faithful and is making the changes for me, as i am too clumsy to navigate my way down this path.

i have made some dear friends over the past year. none can replace you guys, but i realized that i must start building a life somewhere and here seemed as good a place as any... many walls in my life have been torn down. i am an open book at this point. i have no secrets and am able to express what i am feeling more clearly than ever. it has taken this great loss to break me down. in "rebuilding" i have been able to pick and chose what i like about myself and do a great deal of changing.

i took my wedding ring off today. it is the next step in my journey. i need to move forward, the ring was a constant reminder of what i had lost. i want to remember what sue brought into my life... not what is missing. i feel the best way to honor her memory is to keep her in my heart and our rings in her urn. i would be lying if i said tears were not shed... but they are good tears, tears of resolve, no longer tears of defeat.

i love you all and miss you more than words can express.

Lesli

My Immortal

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

confused

before i left on this trip i was told to "know who i am."

the funny thing is i feel more like myself the past 12 hours than i have the past 10 months. superduke lives :) and people understand what that means.

people are reaching out to be with me... not the other way around.

i feel almost like a leper back home. like i am looking in on a party through a dusty old window. i am so torn. right vs wrong. me vs them. me vs me. me vs a memory.

i think it may be time to get back to my peeps. i have been fighting so hard for friendships that are sporadic at best. if i show up... if i jump through their hoops

doh! to be continued... gotta run!!!! henrietta hudsons is calling!!!

Les

Thank you

I truly have the best friends and family imaginable. You guys have supported me through all of my stupid decisions, honest emotions, growth, and regressions. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Superduke, BD, Lesli, Me