I just made my first car payment with out Sue's account. Just celebrated my first national holiday with out her. Cleaned out the dresser of stuff I know I will never use again, with out her telling me that I have to keep it.
And, it hit me today... she is never coming home. SHe is not on a vacation, she is not in the hospital, she has moved on. I am happy for her. I know how limited she was in her current body, but it SUCKS being left behind.
I am still not totally over hoping that these tumors are malignant. I know that is the grief talking, it's not what she would want, blah blah. I just don't know if it is humanly possible to get over this pain. Half of my soul is gone.
AND I AM OUT OF CIGS DAMN IT!
SD
A random (at best) account of a widowed 40 something as she tries to figure out what comes next...
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Just the facts mam
I am really trying to keep my personal feelings out of Sue's page. The truth is I am crumbling inside. It has been 5 days since I have heard my angel's voice, her laugh, seen that adorable dimple when she smiles. I miss my best friend more that words can express.
Even at our lowest points we never went more than a couple of days with out talking.
I am praying that this ex-tubation works. I have signed all of the paperwork to ensure no trach, no permanent feeding tube, she is DNR. No paddles, no compressions, no chemical stimulus. I know it is what she wants, and it kills me to think of her suffering. I am giving her the tools she needs to start to heal. After that, its up to her and what she is ready to fight for...
I am ending this mid thought because sleep meds just kicked in.
talk to you all soon!
oh yeah, i have masses in my thyroid. found that out today. Whoo hoo!
Even at our lowest points we never went more than a couple of days with out talking.
I am praying that this ex-tubation works. I have signed all of the paperwork to ensure no trach, no permanent feeding tube, she is DNR. No paddles, no compressions, no chemical stimulus. I know it is what she wants, and it kills me to think of her suffering. I am giving her the tools she needs to start to heal. After that, its up to her and what she is ready to fight for...
I am ending this mid thought because sleep meds just kicked in.
talk to you all soon!
oh yeah, i have masses in my thyroid. found that out today. Whoo hoo!
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