Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Psychological leaps

It is odd to me... the psychological leap that happens between certain statements. Naturally, one event is jumping out at the moment... the leap from a dr saying there are cancerous cells along with precancerous to actually saying the words "i have cancer." it has barely been 24 hrs. a dear friend and mentor was speaking with me last night, trying his best to offer words of comfort and hope. my focus at the moment was the 90% cure rate with surgery if caught early. he went on to talk about the pain i must feel of knowing something that could kill me is inside of me. i hadn't made it there yet. i do not do well with anesthesia, so my current fears began and ended with a major surgery. now death is on the table. i have gotten messages of prayers, love, telling me i will kick cancer's ass. i appreciate all sentiments. truly. is it childish to say i don't want to kick cancer's ass... i just want the surgery to work and it be done? i can see a protective hand pushing me through each step of this and i find extreme comfort in that. it has been 24 hours... i still don't know what i feel... i do know that telling me how i am supposed to feel is not helping. part of me feels blessed beyond words that it was caught so early, another very real part is still stuck in that transition of understanding that i have hyperplasia with atypia meaning i have cancer. maybe this hesitation makes me weak, maybe it makes me human, i don't know... but i do know i am not ready for cheerleaders. one minute i am very upbeat about the whole thing then my friend/mentor's words come back to haunt me. the best of intentions are doing more harm than good. i have no idea why i am writing. thoughts seems to jumble in my head so getting even a few out here helps. to those of you who know and have reached out, please do not think me ungrateful. For those of you just learning, i am so sorry you found out in a blog. how do you share this information in today's world of social media?

lesli

4 comments:

DK said...

And how do we hug and cry together when we hear about such news in this world of social media? No norms, no expectation, but decidedly no fun.

DK said...

And how do we hug and cry together when we hear about such news in this world of social media? No norms, no expectation, but decidedly no fun.

April said...

I love you, SD.

Superduke1 said...

I miss you April! Love you too... do do do doooooo