Nothing really to report. Just wanted to let y'all know I have been doing much better. Still not eating often, but am forcing myself to eat something every day or so...
meeting new shrink tomorrow. a lil nervous. it's never fun to forge that new relationship. however, it is a necessary evil.
also meeting about a possible project here in noho. not sure i am up for it (even though it is my idea). time will tell!
new dan brown book... eh. not thrilled. noetics is thought provoking tho.
sd
oh, and of course a trip to the vampires to check levels. i look like a heroin addict. i have bruises all over both arms. thankfully it's cold and i can get away with long sleeves!
Monday, October 12, 2009
Saturday, October 10, 2009
tick tock
it's 5:30 am. as usual i cannot sleep. i take two different kinds of the strongest sleeping pills perscribed, anti-anxiety meds, and still cannot sleep. i have two adorable cats curled up around me, one snoring lightly, and the tick tock of the kitchen clock.
there is vodka in the freezer, wine in the rack, beer in the fridge. i am trying to be strong and not succumb to their ever growing calls of temptation. i know how easy it would be to drink myself into a stupor and pass out. however, i enjoy alcohol. if i drink it when i NEED it, well then its time to stop drinking. So, no alcohol to help me sleep. I am being med compliant and taking what I am perscribed, but it would be so easy to take just one more. fortunately i am pertified of any sort of overdose so that is not an option.
so, here i sit. typing to you dear reader. my friends. i believe that the only way that i am going to get through this nightmare is to be transparent and try to be accountable to someone. well right now it is this blog and those of you who read it.
as i mentioned in my previous blog... i was at some friend's house last night. all i could think about was how much sue would have loved them and all of the music. i wanted to see her there playing her guitar or beating on the drum. this is so hard. i have had to be strong for so long... i don't know how to be weak. i need to let these new friends see what is really happening in my life, but i am petrified that it will scare them off. i just want to stop crying. to stop hurting and being so angry all of the time. it's been 5 months and she still consumes my every thought. i feel guilty for having new experiences without her. stupid i know...
i have stopped eating. it's been three days now. it started as a fast to help clear my thoughts, but it has just kept going. the wierd thing is i have no appetite. it's not that i am depriving myself. i just don't want to eat.
the more i type the more i think i am going a little nuts. i did stop seeing my shrink. she pissed me off. and she is not a Christian so she cannot give me the guidance i need. i am supposed to meet a lady at church on Sunday who is a counselor. hopefully that will work out.
tick tock the clock goes on
ok, i have whined enough for one posting. just a reminder... i vent here so i can feel better. please don't think i am about to jump off of a bridge or something. as always, i am fine. slightly damaged at the moment, but fine.
sd
there is vodka in the freezer, wine in the rack, beer in the fridge. i am trying to be strong and not succumb to their ever growing calls of temptation. i know how easy it would be to drink myself into a stupor and pass out. however, i enjoy alcohol. if i drink it when i NEED it, well then its time to stop drinking. So, no alcohol to help me sleep. I am being med compliant and taking what I am perscribed, but it would be so easy to take just one more. fortunately i am pertified of any sort of overdose so that is not an option.
so, here i sit. typing to you dear reader. my friends. i believe that the only way that i am going to get through this nightmare is to be transparent and try to be accountable to someone. well right now it is this blog and those of you who read it.
as i mentioned in my previous blog... i was at some friend's house last night. all i could think about was how much sue would have loved them and all of the music. i wanted to see her there playing her guitar or beating on the drum. this is so hard. i have had to be strong for so long... i don't know how to be weak. i need to let these new friends see what is really happening in my life, but i am petrified that it will scare them off. i just want to stop crying. to stop hurting and being so angry all of the time. it's been 5 months and she still consumes my every thought. i feel guilty for having new experiences without her. stupid i know...
i have stopped eating. it's been three days now. it started as a fast to help clear my thoughts, but it has just kept going. the wierd thing is i have no appetite. it's not that i am depriving myself. i just don't want to eat.
the more i type the more i think i am going a little nuts. i did stop seeing my shrink. she pissed me off. and she is not a Christian so she cannot give me the guidance i need. i am supposed to meet a lady at church on Sunday who is a counselor. hopefully that will work out.
tick tock the clock goes on
ok, i have whined enough for one posting. just a reminder... i vent here so i can feel better. please don't think i am about to jump off of a bridge or something. as always, i am fine. slightly damaged at the moment, but fine.
sd
Friends
Ok, I am really trying not to be one of those Holy Rollers who talks about nothing but God. I mean... well not that there is anything wrong with that... He is pretty stinkin cool... there is life... but recently one only happens with the other.
I have made some pretty nifty friends through the church. They are real people, not surface Sunday Christians like I grew up with. Being around them has made me realize one thing. They have a joy that I don't and I know why. I am PISSED! I am pissed that God let Sue get Kufs, I am pisssed that I had to see the love of my life in flames, I am pissed that I have directly ended two lives in three years, I AM PISSED. There I said it. I want to scream obscenities towards the heavens.
I see two clear paths. Surround myself with people who are as pissed as I am and "show Him." Seems futile. Or, surround myself with people who have this joy and work through my anger. I have chosen the latter. Since actively making that choice I have developed friendships with these nifty folks.
Now, here is the tough one... I do want to get married again. I know that now. Not that I want to get married NOW... but well you know what I mean. I am open to meeting someone in the future. AND, I am not completely opposed to that person being male. Ok... I will wait while you re-read that sentence.
So I am now a pissed, bi-curious (in reverse), Christian with nifty new friends. Ta-da!
I have made some pretty nifty friends through the church. They are real people, not surface Sunday Christians like I grew up with. Being around them has made me realize one thing. They have a joy that I don't and I know why. I am PISSED! I am pissed that God let Sue get Kufs, I am pisssed that I had to see the love of my life in flames, I am pissed that I have directly ended two lives in three years, I AM PISSED. There I said it. I want to scream obscenities towards the heavens.
I see two clear paths. Surround myself with people who are as pissed as I am and "show Him." Seems futile. Or, surround myself with people who have this joy and work through my anger. I have chosen the latter. Since actively making that choice I have developed friendships with these nifty folks.
Now, here is the tough one... I do want to get married again. I know that now. Not that I want to get married NOW... but well you know what I mean. I am open to meeting someone in the future. AND, I am not completely opposed to that person being male. Ok... I will wait while you re-read that sentence.
So I am now a pissed, bi-curious (in reverse), Christian with nifty new friends. Ta-da!
Thursday, October 8, 2009
temper tantrum
ok, so back up a few days...
i was fighting yet another kidney stone (happy news-they are no longer being produced, just have to pass the ones in my kidneys) Sat night/Sun morning. Needless to say I did not attend church.
This morning I was still awake at 7:30 and thought screw it I am going for my walk. I have several different paths I take to keep my mind occupied. Well today it took me about an hour and a half. I got home, tired, but feeling pretty good. Champ the neighborhood dog ran up to me and we had a love fest. well he drooled and i got stinky hands. It is safe to say a good time was had by all : ) I gave him a special Susie hug before I went in to feed my own animals.
Having fed the cats, I sit down at the computer and begin a whiny letter to my mom. I get sick of hearing (well reading) myself and for no real reason at all click on the church's home page. At the top: This Week's Sermon. Hmmm I should listen to that! So I did. It addressed so much that I have been feeling lately. I need to listen again when I have slept and can take notes, but it was good. Profoundly good in my life. I can only imagine how it helped others.
It is now almost 10:30am. No sleep. Hoping to catch a quick cat nap before the daily calls start coming in.
love you all!
sd, bd, me
i was fighting yet another kidney stone (happy news-they are no longer being produced, just have to pass the ones in my kidneys) Sat night/Sun morning. Needless to say I did not attend church.
This morning I was still awake at 7:30 and thought screw it I am going for my walk. I have several different paths I take to keep my mind occupied. Well today it took me about an hour and a half. I got home, tired, but feeling pretty good. Champ the neighborhood dog ran up to me and we had a love fest. well he drooled and i got stinky hands. It is safe to say a good time was had by all : ) I gave him a special Susie hug before I went in to feed my own animals.
Having fed the cats, I sit down at the computer and begin a whiny letter to my mom. I get sick of hearing (well reading) myself and for no real reason at all click on the church's home page. At the top: This Week's Sermon. Hmmm I should listen to that! So I did. It addressed so much that I have been feeling lately. I need to listen again when I have slept and can take notes, but it was good. Profoundly good in my life. I can only imagine how it helped others.
It is now almost 10:30am. No sleep. Hoping to catch a quick cat nap before the daily calls start coming in.
love you all!
sd, bd, me
where is God?
i want to scream at the top of my lungs. WHERE ARE YOU???? Its 3 am and I haven't slept in days! I haven't slept in our bed in almost 5 months. WHERE ARE YOU???? Friends promise to visit. WHERE ARE THEY?
I am having a pity party. Ignore me. I just wish I had a safe place to scream.
I am having a pity party. Ignore me. I just wish I had a safe place to scream.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
New outlet
SO I am writing this thing... it's not a play, it's not a book, not a poem, it's a thing.
I have entitled it "What if Judas had an iphone" Would it have made a difference? Probably not, GOd gave Judas over to Satan, but there are definately some moments of comedy and heart break in there. From "no answer...it went straight to voicemail" to WTF do u have any idea wht u r doing?
Much research on this textese is needed. Anyway, it is keeping me occupied :)
Lesli
I have entitled it "What if Judas had an iphone" Would it have made a difference? Probably not, GOd gave Judas over to Satan, but there are definately some moments of comedy and heart break in there. From "no answer...it went straight to voicemail" to WTF do u have any idea wht u r doing?
Much research on this textese is needed. Anyway, it is keeping me occupied :)
Lesli
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