tick tock

it's 5:30 am. as usual i cannot sleep. i take two different kinds of the strongest sleeping pills perscribed, anti-anxiety meds, and still cannot sleep. i have two adorable cats curled up around me, one snoring lightly, and the tick tock of the kitchen clock.

there is vodka in the freezer, wine in the rack, beer in the fridge. i am trying to be strong and not succumb to their ever growing calls of temptation. i know how easy it would be to drink myself into a stupor and pass out. however, i enjoy alcohol. if i drink it when i NEED it, well then its time to stop drinking. So, no alcohol to help me sleep. I am being med compliant and taking what I am perscribed, but it would be so easy to take just one more. fortunately i am pertified of any sort of overdose so that is not an option.

so, here i sit. typing to you dear reader. my friends. i believe that the only way that i am going to get through this nightmare is to be transparent and try to be accountable to someone. well right now it is this blog and those of you who read it.

as i mentioned in my previous blog... i was at some friend's house last night. all i could think about was how much sue would have loved them and all of the music. i wanted to see her there playing her guitar or beating on the drum. this is so hard. i have had to be strong for so long... i don't know how to be weak. i need to let these new friends see what is really happening in my life, but i am petrified that it will scare them off. i just want to stop crying. to stop hurting and being so angry all of the time. it's been 5 months and she still consumes my every thought. i feel guilty for having new experiences without her. stupid i know...

i have stopped eating. it's been three days now. it started as a fast to help clear my thoughts, but it has just kept going. the wierd thing is i have no appetite. it's not that i am depriving myself. i just don't want to eat.

the more i type the more i think i am going a little nuts. i did stop seeing my shrink. she pissed me off. and she is not a Christian so she cannot give me the guidance i need. i am supposed to meet a lady at church on Sunday who is a counselor. hopefully that will work out.

tick tock the clock goes on

ok, i have whined enough for one posting. just a reminder... i vent here so i can feel better. please don't think i am about to jump off of a bridge or something. as always, i am fine. slightly damaged at the moment, but fine.

sd