Almost

I had an almost day today. There is a women's bible study at my church. I set the alarm to get and well, i don't do mornings. So...almost. There is repeat of the bible study at 7pm. I almost went, but could not get myself to go.

I am still petrified of rejection. I have been given no reason to expect that reaction, but sometimes I still wait for the bolt of lightning to strike when I walk into the church. I have conquered my fear of the services, i have a nifty sound booth to hide behind. If someone starts asking too many questions I simply pretend I need to check a mic or something. Its all so stupid, sophmoric, childish, pathetic (insert adjective here) What am I running from?

I actually like the pastor, a first for me. One thing still remains... I know that I am tolerated even accepted but, I know, because I asked, that my sexuality is viewed as being... askew from God's will. I

I wish straight people could understand. Honestly, I would kill to be straight. Life would be so much easier. Well, life outside of Northampton.

The deeper I get into the church, the more I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting to be told that I have reached my limit, I should stay tucked away. I guess that is just the rejection from my youth resurfing. As I said, I have been given no reason to feel this way. Quite the opposite.


I almost told someone how i was feeling today. Really feeling. I don't know how to say or even identify what emotions are going on in my head. Almost...

Almost is better than nothing. It is a step.

Maybe tomorrow I will actually ask for a hug. The lack of physical contact is quite devistating.

And, to you my dear friends... thank you for being so persistant. I truly have the best friends imaginable. I love you guys!!!

SD