its 5am... 2 nights of no sleep. this sucks.
lesli
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
3 in 1 day!
screw being med compliant. i need to sleep. someboday call me tomorrow morning to make sure i am still breathing. KIDDING. i only took one extra. people are rxed much more than what i took. actually a call to make sure i don't sleep all day would be cool.
sd
sd
trying
ok we have established that i get over-emotional when i don't sleep. i thought i could contain it when in public. wrong! i was just chatting with someone and he totally called me on it. i was a hot mess trying to get my point across. i could barely get a coherent point out.
funny thing... i am so used to being in theatre circles that i forget that flat is an adjective not a noun to most people and a tree is something that grows and has leaves not a metal stand for lights. i think i thoroughly confounded my pastor today. given my lack of mental acuity... well i mentioned renting trees and he looked at me like i was a complete moron. good times. and, anne reinking might as well have been a choreographer for a community theatre. straight men... they hurt my head. silly heteros!
NCIS is on in 20 min. then... bed. i have a full on crush on Abby and Gibbs. i know... make up my mind... this whole guy thing has me really freaked out. watch out ladies... my two favorite men are married to two of my best friends (you know who you are)
ok now i am being stupid. good night.
love you guys!
sd
funny thing... i am so used to being in theatre circles that i forget that flat is an adjective not a noun to most people and a tree is something that grows and has leaves not a metal stand for lights. i think i thoroughly confounded my pastor today. given my lack of mental acuity... well i mentioned renting trees and he looked at me like i was a complete moron. good times. and, anne reinking might as well have been a choreographer for a community theatre. straight men... they hurt my head. silly heteros!
NCIS is on in 20 min. then... bed. i have a full on crush on Abby and Gibbs. i know... make up my mind... this whole guy thing has me really freaked out. watch out ladies... my two favorite men are married to two of my best friends (you know who you are)
ok now i am being stupid. good night.
love you guys!
sd
Insomnia... again
it's 7:15am and I still have not been able to sleep. my meetings today should be oh so fun! fortunately the project proposal is not really a proposal. it's more like getting a green light to put a proposal together. we'll see...
NOW i want to sleep. i have to be somewhere in 3 hours. great timing eh? something has to give. I cannot continue to function on eating and sleeping every other day. i have been told it is normal during grief. i question anything that mentions normalcy these days.
ohhh shopping for 30 people today. i am making a spanish chicken dish thurs night. whoo hoo! never cooked for the masses before. should be fun!
i suppose i should try and get a couple hours of sleep. sleep deprived therapy should be grrreat! (i typically turn into a bawling mess when i am deprived of sleep)
much love to you all!
sd
NOW i want to sleep. i have to be somewhere in 3 hours. great timing eh? something has to give. I cannot continue to function on eating and sleeping every other day. i have been told it is normal during grief. i question anything that mentions normalcy these days.
ohhh shopping for 30 people today. i am making a spanish chicken dish thurs night. whoo hoo! never cooked for the masses before. should be fun!
i suppose i should try and get a couple hours of sleep. sleep deprived therapy should be grrreat! (i typically turn into a bawling mess when i am deprived of sleep)
much love to you all!
sd
Monday, October 12, 2009
blech
eating is over-rated. just had my first full meal in a week or so and feel gross. blech!!!!
that's all!
that's all!
Better
Nothing really to report. Just wanted to let y'all know I have been doing much better. Still not eating often, but am forcing myself to eat something every day or so...
meeting new shrink tomorrow. a lil nervous. it's never fun to forge that new relationship. however, it is a necessary evil.
also meeting about a possible project here in noho. not sure i am up for it (even though it is my idea). time will tell!
new dan brown book... eh. not thrilled. noetics is thought provoking tho.
sd
oh, and of course a trip to the vampires to check levels. i look like a heroin addict. i have bruises all over both arms. thankfully it's cold and i can get away with long sleeves!
meeting new shrink tomorrow. a lil nervous. it's never fun to forge that new relationship. however, it is a necessary evil.
also meeting about a possible project here in noho. not sure i am up for it (even though it is my idea). time will tell!
new dan brown book... eh. not thrilled. noetics is thought provoking tho.
sd
oh, and of course a trip to the vampires to check levels. i look like a heroin addict. i have bruises all over both arms. thankfully it's cold and i can get away with long sleeves!
Saturday, October 10, 2009
tick tock
it's 5:30 am. as usual i cannot sleep. i take two different kinds of the strongest sleeping pills perscribed, anti-anxiety meds, and still cannot sleep. i have two adorable cats curled up around me, one snoring lightly, and the tick tock of the kitchen clock.
there is vodka in the freezer, wine in the rack, beer in the fridge. i am trying to be strong and not succumb to their ever growing calls of temptation. i know how easy it would be to drink myself into a stupor and pass out. however, i enjoy alcohol. if i drink it when i NEED it, well then its time to stop drinking. So, no alcohol to help me sleep. I am being med compliant and taking what I am perscribed, but it would be so easy to take just one more. fortunately i am pertified of any sort of overdose so that is not an option.
so, here i sit. typing to you dear reader. my friends. i believe that the only way that i am going to get through this nightmare is to be transparent and try to be accountable to someone. well right now it is this blog and those of you who read it.
as i mentioned in my previous blog... i was at some friend's house last night. all i could think about was how much sue would have loved them and all of the music. i wanted to see her there playing her guitar or beating on the drum. this is so hard. i have had to be strong for so long... i don't know how to be weak. i need to let these new friends see what is really happening in my life, but i am petrified that it will scare them off. i just want to stop crying. to stop hurting and being so angry all of the time. it's been 5 months and she still consumes my every thought. i feel guilty for having new experiences without her. stupid i know...
i have stopped eating. it's been three days now. it started as a fast to help clear my thoughts, but it has just kept going. the wierd thing is i have no appetite. it's not that i am depriving myself. i just don't want to eat.
the more i type the more i think i am going a little nuts. i did stop seeing my shrink. she pissed me off. and she is not a Christian so she cannot give me the guidance i need. i am supposed to meet a lady at church on Sunday who is a counselor. hopefully that will work out.
tick tock the clock goes on
ok, i have whined enough for one posting. just a reminder... i vent here so i can feel better. please don't think i am about to jump off of a bridge or something. as always, i am fine. slightly damaged at the moment, but fine.
sd
there is vodka in the freezer, wine in the rack, beer in the fridge. i am trying to be strong and not succumb to their ever growing calls of temptation. i know how easy it would be to drink myself into a stupor and pass out. however, i enjoy alcohol. if i drink it when i NEED it, well then its time to stop drinking. So, no alcohol to help me sleep. I am being med compliant and taking what I am perscribed, but it would be so easy to take just one more. fortunately i am pertified of any sort of overdose so that is not an option.
so, here i sit. typing to you dear reader. my friends. i believe that the only way that i am going to get through this nightmare is to be transparent and try to be accountable to someone. well right now it is this blog and those of you who read it.
as i mentioned in my previous blog... i was at some friend's house last night. all i could think about was how much sue would have loved them and all of the music. i wanted to see her there playing her guitar or beating on the drum. this is so hard. i have had to be strong for so long... i don't know how to be weak. i need to let these new friends see what is really happening in my life, but i am petrified that it will scare them off. i just want to stop crying. to stop hurting and being so angry all of the time. it's been 5 months and she still consumes my every thought. i feel guilty for having new experiences without her. stupid i know...
i have stopped eating. it's been three days now. it started as a fast to help clear my thoughts, but it has just kept going. the wierd thing is i have no appetite. it's not that i am depriving myself. i just don't want to eat.
the more i type the more i think i am going a little nuts. i did stop seeing my shrink. she pissed me off. and she is not a Christian so she cannot give me the guidance i need. i am supposed to meet a lady at church on Sunday who is a counselor. hopefully that will work out.
tick tock the clock goes on
ok, i have whined enough for one posting. just a reminder... i vent here so i can feel better. please don't think i am about to jump off of a bridge or something. as always, i am fine. slightly damaged at the moment, but fine.
sd
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