gay-ja-ma-cation-Why the right?

I find it kind of funny that no one has asked this before...

Lately, several people have asked me why I wear my wedding ring on my right hand. They assume it has something to do with Sue's passing. Nope! It's always been there.

Many gay couples wear thier rings on their right hands as a form of silent protest. Basically we decided to wear ours this way until all gay couples have the same right to wed that MA afforded to us.

So, there you have it! Hope you all are having a faboo week!

Sd

dreams

i keep having these dreams where people (often times fictious, ex: Robert from Brothers and Sisters) are dying or being murdered and I cannot stop them. It's like I can see what is happening but my body isn't there.

still wanting to run far far away.

Sd

blah...

i am so confused. my emotions and head are so out of synch. i used to be so sure about so many things that all seem to have flawed reasoning. every step i take forward i feel like i am leaving a piece of me behind. i am sure that this is all natural and "part of grieving" but BLAH! i am frustrated by the carnage that seems to be my life.

on a happier note... i get my student loan tomorrow and am going shopping. Boo Ya!!!

realization...

i i was having another one of those nightmarish pictures of Sue, yellow, tucked under the blankets, about twenty min after she had passed when i realized something. her face isn't burned when i picture her. infact, i am having trouble remembering how she looked in the hospital. i can see her there in the bed, but it's her face... whole... healed. maybe i am healing as she is (in my mind). funny... i give up on healing last night and tonight i feel like i have made a huge leap forward. the human brain is a funny thing.

sd

Surrender

I give up... its all too much. screw mental/spiritual/emotional health. i am content being damaged right now.

sleep

i really should sleep at some point. this is getting ridiculous...

ah well time to shower and get to church. have a good one all!

Ponderence

I was flipping to Psalms 139 to read some verses my new councelor gave me. I landed in 149 and something caught my eye. The first verse says Sing His praise in the meeting of His people. I cannot help but reflect on all of the new friends I have made through the church and what a support they have been to me. I asked, well begged, for friends. In the matter of a couple of weeks I have a new inner circle of people HERE. I hope you all know that I value everything you have done and are doing for me. But, I think we can all agree that a local support system is crucial. I have that now.

I wrote an email today that was so deeply honest that tears were pouring down my face as I typed. It needed to be said to someone. I think I chose wisely. I guess I will see. I will get to a point where I share it here, but I am still afraid of the ramifications of it.

I am also scared of losing some of you as I regain my faith. Once again, I guess time will tell.

One of the major things I am working on is getting rid of the image of Sue in flames. It haunts me daily. I am actively trying to visualize her at peace and free from her corporeal form when these images come into my head. It is helping.

I skipped the granny club today (that's what I call my bereavment group). I just couldn't do it. Today had already been so emotional. God is doing some major work in my life and I can only take so much in one day. Stupid emotions! : )

Anyway... things are good... profoundly good. Well, no... they suck. It's like cleaning out a closet. you have to pull out everything to get rid of the junk. I am at the point where everything is scattered on the floor and I am starting to go through it. I see the progress so that is good. The floor is covered in junk and that sucks. Make sense?

OHHHH... I got a green light on the project I was talking about. Well a green light to work on the next step. I want to direct a production of Godspell here to benefit the homeless organization that Sue worked with. Ideally, we will open the weekend of the anniversary of her death. I think it would be a cool way to honor her memory. Basically, the pastor and elders need to read the script and make sure it is doctrinly sound. I have a copy coming in the mail. I will need to do a quick re-read through to make any cuts that I see before handing it over.

Please continue to keep me in your prayers (or hug whatever you hug...Michael go find that wombat again...) as I continue this transition.

sd