where is God?

i want to scream at the top of my lungs. WHERE ARE YOU???? Its 3 am and I haven't slept in days! I haven't slept in our bed in almost 5 months. WHERE ARE YOU???? Friends promise to visit. WHERE ARE THEY?

I am having a pity party. Ignore me. I just wish I had a safe place to scream.

New outlet

SO I am writing this thing... it's not a play, it's not a book, not a poem, it's a thing.

I have entitled it "What if Judas had an iphone" Would it have made a difference? Probably not, GOd gave Judas over to Satan, but there are definately some moments of comedy and heart break in there. From "no answer...it went straight to voicemail" to WTF do u have any idea wht u r doing?

Much research on this textese is needed. Anyway, it is keeping me occupied :)

Lesli

Nightmare

I had the worst dreams last night. In the first one Sue and I were in a huge hospital. She was being wheeled somewhere by a nurse. I tried to follow, but I couldn't keep up. She kept calling my name. I would answer back, but she couldn't hear me. They finally went through a set of locked doors. I couldn't get to her. She kept calling my name and I couldn't comfort her.

Seque to dream number two or continuation of my previous dream. I am in my pastor's office with several of the friends I have made at church. I explain what had just happened and they all tell me that I am being selfish and taking up too much of their time. One even tells me that I am not allowed to call them and i need to make an appointment if I want to talk at all.

I know it was a dream, but I have to wonder if I am being too needy.

SD

Almost

I had an almost day today. There is a women's bible study at my church. I set the alarm to get and well, i don't do mornings. So...almost. There is repeat of the bible study at 7pm. I almost went, but could not get myself to go.

I am still petrified of rejection. I have been given no reason to expect that reaction, but sometimes I still wait for the bolt of lightning to strike when I walk into the church. I have conquered my fear of the services, i have a nifty sound booth to hide behind. If someone starts asking too many questions I simply pretend I need to check a mic or something. Its all so stupid, sophmoric, childish, pathetic (insert adjective here) What am I running from?

I actually like the pastor, a first for me. One thing still remains... I know that I am tolerated even accepted but, I know, because I asked, that my sexuality is viewed as being... askew from God's will. I

I wish straight people could understand. Honestly, I would kill to be straight. Life would be so much easier. Well, life outside of Northampton.

The deeper I get into the church, the more I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting to be told that I have reached my limit, I should stay tucked away. I guess that is just the rejection from my youth resurfing. As I said, I have been given no reason to feel this way. Quite the opposite.


I almost told someone how i was feeling today. Really feeling. I don't know how to say or even identify what emotions are going on in my head. Almost...

Almost is better than nothing. It is a step.

Maybe tomorrow I will actually ask for a hug. The lack of physical contact is quite devistating.

And, to you my dear friends... thank you for being so persistant. I truly have the best friends imaginable. I love you guys!!!

SD

TMI

I will put this as delicately as possible...

Flash back to February/March.

Dr. Ladyparts told me that I had Nasty Neoplasms in places that they aught not be. I call this period of time in my life "The Broken Va-Jay-Jay." Dr. Ladyparts gave me many strong chemicals to make Nasty Neoplasms go away.

Apparently said chemicals pissed of Mother Nature. She has been withholding my monthly gift ever since. Well it appears that I have done enough penance. I am bloated, irritable, running to the store for back up, and I could not be happier.

Screw you Nasty Neoplasms!

Whoo hoo!

I'm Still Here!

To quote "Ladies who Lunch"I am still here.

I daily think about swallowing the cornucopia of pills I have in the med box, but I am still here.

I am in full on hermit mode. I leave the house to get my blood draws twice a week, go to my bereavment group, and church. Pathetic, but I am still here.

I am afraid to go to the grocery store, but I am still here.

I have found a place to belong, for now anyway. My family here is growing. I am coming out of my shell and being more proactive. I have made a friend that I truely thougt would be, not a nemesis, but, oh what is the word, lets just say a road block in my desire to renew my faith in organized religion.

I am here. I owe none of it to myself. It would be so easy to dump those pills into some pudding and wake up in Sue's arms. I am alive today because of the grace of God. He has seen me in my lowest points and wrapped his loving arms around me. I do not know why this pain runs so deep. Maybe because it happened so tragically, maybe because of the relief I feel, maybe because of the guilt i feel. Who knows.

In talking with my bereavement group we have all agreed that at some point we have plataued or even slipped backwards. The changing of the seasons has made me feel Sue's abasence more keenly.

I am perservering. When I can't take another breath, I turn to Christ. The pain does not disappear, but I feel a peace.

How gracious is God that he would care how I am feeling? It amazes me that he uses people who would deny his existance to build me up. I was so distraught the other day. My phone rang, it was a friend who is an avid athiest. His advice was word for word from the Bible. When I mentioned that he laughed and told me not to hold it against him.

So, I am still here. Still grieving. Still growing.

SD

ANd for all of you who are sending me encouraging messages. Please don't be offended that I am not answering. I appreciate your love more that you will ever know. Don't give up on my just yet!

Pit

Ever seen the Princess Bride? Of course you have! Well, I have been feeling like I am in the pit of dispair. (minus the albino) I spend most of my time alone and it is driving me mad.

I have forgotten what Sue's voice sounds like. That kills me.

BUT, I was cleaning out some stuff today and came across Sue's application dvd for her service dog. Its relief has been two fold.

1) I get to see and hear my angel again.

2) I am reminded of haw bad off she really was. It is easy to pretend that things weren't so bad. But, they were. It is easier letting her go after seeing it.

I am working on breaking out of this hermit mode I am in.

Thanks to all for your love and support.

Lesli