Friends

Ok, I am really trying not to be one of those Holy Rollers who talks about nothing but God. I mean... well not that there is anything wrong with that... He is pretty stinkin cool... there is life... but recently one only happens with the other.

I have made some pretty nifty friends through the church. They are real people, not surface Sunday Christians like I grew up with. Being around them has made me realize one thing. They have a joy that I don't and I know why. I am PISSED! I am pissed that God let Sue get Kufs, I am pisssed that I had to see the love of my life in flames, I am pissed that I have directly ended two lives in three years, I AM PISSED. There I said it. I want to scream obscenities towards the heavens.

I see two clear paths. Surround myself with people who are as pissed as I am and "show Him." Seems futile. Or, surround myself with people who have this joy and work through my anger. I have chosen the latter. Since actively making that choice I have developed friendships with these nifty folks.

Now, here is the tough one... I do want to get married again. I know that now. Not that I want to get married NOW... but well you know what I mean. I am open to meeting someone in the future. AND, I am not completely opposed to that person being male. Ok... I will wait while you re-read that sentence.

So I am now a pissed, bi-curious (in reverse), Christian with nifty new friends. Ta-da!

5 months

it's been 5 months today.

temper tantrum

ok, so back up a few days...

i was fighting yet another kidney stone (happy news-they are no longer being produced, just have to pass the ones in my kidneys) Sat night/Sun morning. Needless to say I did not attend church.

This morning I was still awake at 7:30 and thought screw it I am going for my walk. I have several different paths I take to keep my mind occupied. Well today it took me about an hour and a half. I got home, tired, but feeling pretty good. Champ the neighborhood dog ran up to me and we had a love fest. well he drooled and i got stinky hands. It is safe to say a good time was had by all : ) I gave him a special Susie hug before I went in to feed my own animals.

Having fed the cats, I sit down at the computer and begin a whiny letter to my mom. I get sick of hearing (well reading) myself and for no real reason at all click on the church's home page. At the top: This Week's Sermon. Hmmm I should listen to that! So I did. It addressed so much that I have been feeling lately. I need to listen again when I have slept and can take notes, but it was good. Profoundly good in my life. I can only imagine how it helped others.

It is now almost 10:30am. No sleep. Hoping to catch a quick cat nap before the daily calls start coming in.

love you all!
sd, bd, me

where is God?

i want to scream at the top of my lungs. WHERE ARE YOU???? Its 3 am and I haven't slept in days! I haven't slept in our bed in almost 5 months. WHERE ARE YOU???? Friends promise to visit. WHERE ARE THEY?

I am having a pity party. Ignore me. I just wish I had a safe place to scream.

New outlet

SO I am writing this thing... it's not a play, it's not a book, not a poem, it's a thing.

I have entitled it "What if Judas had an iphone" Would it have made a difference? Probably not, GOd gave Judas over to Satan, but there are definately some moments of comedy and heart break in there. From "no answer...it went straight to voicemail" to WTF do u have any idea wht u r doing?

Much research on this textese is needed. Anyway, it is keeping me occupied :)

Lesli

Nightmare

I had the worst dreams last night. In the first one Sue and I were in a huge hospital. She was being wheeled somewhere by a nurse. I tried to follow, but I couldn't keep up. She kept calling my name. I would answer back, but she couldn't hear me. They finally went through a set of locked doors. I couldn't get to her. She kept calling my name and I couldn't comfort her.

Seque to dream number two or continuation of my previous dream. I am in my pastor's office with several of the friends I have made at church. I explain what had just happened and they all tell me that I am being selfish and taking up too much of their time. One even tells me that I am not allowed to call them and i need to make an appointment if I want to talk at all.

I know it was a dream, but I have to wonder if I am being too needy.

SD

Almost

I had an almost day today. There is a women's bible study at my church. I set the alarm to get and well, i don't do mornings. So...almost. There is repeat of the bible study at 7pm. I almost went, but could not get myself to go.

I am still petrified of rejection. I have been given no reason to expect that reaction, but sometimes I still wait for the bolt of lightning to strike when I walk into the church. I have conquered my fear of the services, i have a nifty sound booth to hide behind. If someone starts asking too many questions I simply pretend I need to check a mic or something. Its all so stupid, sophmoric, childish, pathetic (insert adjective here) What am I running from?

I actually like the pastor, a first for me. One thing still remains... I know that I am tolerated even accepted but, I know, because I asked, that my sexuality is viewed as being... askew from God's will. I

I wish straight people could understand. Honestly, I would kill to be straight. Life would be so much easier. Well, life outside of Northampton.

The deeper I get into the church, the more I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting to be told that I have reached my limit, I should stay tucked away. I guess that is just the rejection from my youth resurfing. As I said, I have been given no reason to feel this way. Quite the opposite.


I almost told someone how i was feeling today. Really feeling. I don't know how to say or even identify what emotions are going on in my head. Almost...

Almost is better than nothing. It is a step.

Maybe tomorrow I will actually ask for a hug. The lack of physical contact is quite devistating.

And, to you my dear friends... thank you for being so persistant. I truly have the best friends imaginable. I love you guys!!!

SD