disbelief

my mother-in-law buried the part of Sue's ashes i gave her... i had no idea. she called and told a friend of mine here that she (Sue) was resting next to her grandmother now. who does that?? who buries someone's WIFE and does not tell them???

speechless...

turkey day

mom just surprised me with a ticket to TN for turkey day! I was serioualy sweating what i was going to do... yay Mom!!

Six

six seems to be the magic number this month.

this sunday, nov 1, marks the six year anniversary of sue and i meeting. for those of you there, you know that we started dating immediately and were barely apart until i left for tour. we had our tough times, but we were together through it all.

the following sunday, nov 8, will be the six month anniversary of her death. i am devistated. everything feels so fresh again. i miss her more than words can express. she was half of me. i am incomplete... i do not see that changing.

sd

gay-ja-ma-cation-Why the right?

I find it kind of funny that no one has asked this before...

Lately, several people have asked me why I wear my wedding ring on my right hand. They assume it has something to do with Sue's passing. Nope! It's always been there.

Many gay couples wear thier rings on their right hands as a form of silent protest. Basically we decided to wear ours this way until all gay couples have the same right to wed that MA afforded to us.

So, there you have it! Hope you all are having a faboo week!

Sd

dreams

i keep having these dreams where people (often times fictious, ex: Robert from Brothers and Sisters) are dying or being murdered and I cannot stop them. It's like I can see what is happening but my body isn't there.

still wanting to run far far away.

Sd

blah...

i am so confused. my emotions and head are so out of synch. i used to be so sure about so many things that all seem to have flawed reasoning. every step i take forward i feel like i am leaving a piece of me behind. i am sure that this is all natural and "part of grieving" but BLAH! i am frustrated by the carnage that seems to be my life.

on a happier note... i get my student loan tomorrow and am going shopping. Boo Ya!!!

realization...

i i was having another one of those nightmarish pictures of Sue, yellow, tucked under the blankets, about twenty min after she had passed when i realized something. her face isn't burned when i picture her. infact, i am having trouble remembering how she looked in the hospital. i can see her there in the bed, but it's her face... whole... healed. maybe i am healing as she is (in my mind). funny... i give up on healing last night and tonight i feel like i have made a huge leap forward. the human brain is a funny thing.

sd

Surrender

I give up... its all too much. screw mental/spiritual/emotional health. i am content being damaged right now.

sleep

i really should sleep at some point. this is getting ridiculous...

ah well time to shower and get to church. have a good one all!

Ponderence

I was flipping to Psalms 139 to read some verses my new councelor gave me. I landed in 149 and something caught my eye. The first verse says Sing His praise in the meeting of His people. I cannot help but reflect on all of the new friends I have made through the church and what a support they have been to me. I asked, well begged, for friends. In the matter of a couple of weeks I have a new inner circle of people HERE. I hope you all know that I value everything you have done and are doing for me. But, I think we can all agree that a local support system is crucial. I have that now.

I wrote an email today that was so deeply honest that tears were pouring down my face as I typed. It needed to be said to someone. I think I chose wisely. I guess I will see. I will get to a point where I share it here, but I am still afraid of the ramifications of it.

I am also scared of losing some of you as I regain my faith. Once again, I guess time will tell.

One of the major things I am working on is getting rid of the image of Sue in flames. It haunts me daily. I am actively trying to visualize her at peace and free from her corporeal form when these images come into my head. It is helping.

I skipped the granny club today (that's what I call my bereavment group). I just couldn't do it. Today had already been so emotional. God is doing some major work in my life and I can only take so much in one day. Stupid emotions! : )

Anyway... things are good... profoundly good. Well, no... they suck. It's like cleaning out a closet. you have to pull out everything to get rid of the junk. I am at the point where everything is scattered on the floor and I am starting to go through it. I see the progress so that is good. The floor is covered in junk and that sucks. Make sense?

OHHHH... I got a green light on the project I was talking about. Well a green light to work on the next step. I want to direct a production of Godspell here to benefit the homeless organization that Sue worked with. Ideally, we will open the weekend of the anniversary of her death. I think it would be a cool way to honor her memory. Basically, the pastor and elders need to read the script and make sure it is doctrinly sound. I have a copy coming in the mail. I will need to do a quick re-read through to make any cuts that I see before handing it over.

Please continue to keep me in your prayers (or hug whatever you hug...Michael go find that wombat again...) as I continue this transition.

sd

Grrrrrr

its 5am... 2 nights of no sleep. this sucks.

lesli

3 in 1 day!

screw being med compliant. i need to sleep. someboday call me tomorrow morning to make sure i am still breathing. KIDDING. i only took one extra. people are rxed much more than what i took. actually a call to make sure i don't sleep all day would be cool.

sd

trying

ok we have established that i get over-emotional when i don't sleep. i thought i could contain it when in public. wrong! i was just chatting with someone and he totally called me on it. i was a hot mess trying to get my point across. i could barely get a coherent point out.

funny thing... i am so used to being in theatre circles that i forget that flat is an adjective not a noun to most people and a tree is something that grows and has leaves not a metal stand for lights. i think i thoroughly confounded my pastor today. given my lack of mental acuity... well i mentioned renting trees and he looked at me like i was a complete moron. good times. and, anne reinking might as well have been a choreographer for a community theatre. straight men... they hurt my head. silly heteros!

NCIS is on in 20 min. then... bed. i have a full on crush on Abby and Gibbs. i know... make up my mind... this whole guy thing has me really freaked out. watch out ladies... my two favorite men are married to two of my best friends (you know who you are)

ok now i am being stupid. good night.

love you guys!

sd

Insomnia... again

it's 7:15am and I still have not been able to sleep. my meetings today should be oh so fun! fortunately the project proposal is not really a proposal. it's more like getting a green light to put a proposal together. we'll see...

NOW i want to sleep. i have to be somewhere in 3 hours. great timing eh? something has to give. I cannot continue to function on eating and sleeping every other day. i have been told it is normal during grief. i question anything that mentions normalcy these days.

ohhh shopping for 30 people today. i am making a spanish chicken dish thurs night. whoo hoo! never cooked for the masses before. should be fun!

i suppose i should try and get a couple hours of sleep. sleep deprived therapy should be grrreat! (i typically turn into a bawling mess when i am deprived of sleep)

much love to you all!
sd

blech

eating is over-rated. just had my first full meal in a week or so and feel gross. blech!!!!

that's all!

Better

Nothing really to report. Just wanted to let y'all know I have been doing much better. Still not eating often, but am forcing myself to eat something every day or so...

meeting new shrink tomorrow. a lil nervous. it's never fun to forge that new relationship. however, it is a necessary evil.

also meeting about a possible project here in noho. not sure i am up for it (even though it is my idea). time will tell!

new dan brown book... eh. not thrilled. noetics is thought provoking tho.

sd

oh, and of course a trip to the vampires to check levels. i look like a heroin addict. i have bruises all over both arms. thankfully it's cold and i can get away with long sleeves!

tick tock

it's 5:30 am. as usual i cannot sleep. i take two different kinds of the strongest sleeping pills perscribed, anti-anxiety meds, and still cannot sleep. i have two adorable cats curled up around me, one snoring lightly, and the tick tock of the kitchen clock.

there is vodka in the freezer, wine in the rack, beer in the fridge. i am trying to be strong and not succumb to their ever growing calls of temptation. i know how easy it would be to drink myself into a stupor and pass out. however, i enjoy alcohol. if i drink it when i NEED it, well then its time to stop drinking. So, no alcohol to help me sleep. I am being med compliant and taking what I am perscribed, but it would be so easy to take just one more. fortunately i am pertified of any sort of overdose so that is not an option.

so, here i sit. typing to you dear reader. my friends. i believe that the only way that i am going to get through this nightmare is to be transparent and try to be accountable to someone. well right now it is this blog and those of you who read it.

as i mentioned in my previous blog... i was at some friend's house last night. all i could think about was how much sue would have loved them and all of the music. i wanted to see her there playing her guitar or beating on the drum. this is so hard. i have had to be strong for so long... i don't know how to be weak. i need to let these new friends see what is really happening in my life, but i am petrified that it will scare them off. i just want to stop crying. to stop hurting and being so angry all of the time. it's been 5 months and she still consumes my every thought. i feel guilty for having new experiences without her. stupid i know...

i have stopped eating. it's been three days now. it started as a fast to help clear my thoughts, but it has just kept going. the wierd thing is i have no appetite. it's not that i am depriving myself. i just don't want to eat.

the more i type the more i think i am going a little nuts. i did stop seeing my shrink. she pissed me off. and she is not a Christian so she cannot give me the guidance i need. i am supposed to meet a lady at church on Sunday who is a counselor. hopefully that will work out.

tick tock the clock goes on

ok, i have whined enough for one posting. just a reminder... i vent here so i can feel better. please don't think i am about to jump off of a bridge or something. as always, i am fine. slightly damaged at the moment, but fine.

sd

Friends

Ok, I am really trying not to be one of those Holy Rollers who talks about nothing but God. I mean... well not that there is anything wrong with that... He is pretty stinkin cool... there is life... but recently one only happens with the other.

I have made some pretty nifty friends through the church. They are real people, not surface Sunday Christians like I grew up with. Being around them has made me realize one thing. They have a joy that I don't and I know why. I am PISSED! I am pissed that God let Sue get Kufs, I am pisssed that I had to see the love of my life in flames, I am pissed that I have directly ended two lives in three years, I AM PISSED. There I said it. I want to scream obscenities towards the heavens.

I see two clear paths. Surround myself with people who are as pissed as I am and "show Him." Seems futile. Or, surround myself with people who have this joy and work through my anger. I have chosen the latter. Since actively making that choice I have developed friendships with these nifty folks.

Now, here is the tough one... I do want to get married again. I know that now. Not that I want to get married NOW... but well you know what I mean. I am open to meeting someone in the future. AND, I am not completely opposed to that person being male. Ok... I will wait while you re-read that sentence.

So I am now a pissed, bi-curious (in reverse), Christian with nifty new friends. Ta-da!

5 months

it's been 5 months today.

temper tantrum

ok, so back up a few days...

i was fighting yet another kidney stone (happy news-they are no longer being produced, just have to pass the ones in my kidneys) Sat night/Sun morning. Needless to say I did not attend church.

This morning I was still awake at 7:30 and thought screw it I am going for my walk. I have several different paths I take to keep my mind occupied. Well today it took me about an hour and a half. I got home, tired, but feeling pretty good. Champ the neighborhood dog ran up to me and we had a love fest. well he drooled and i got stinky hands. It is safe to say a good time was had by all : ) I gave him a special Susie hug before I went in to feed my own animals.

Having fed the cats, I sit down at the computer and begin a whiny letter to my mom. I get sick of hearing (well reading) myself and for no real reason at all click on the church's home page. At the top: This Week's Sermon. Hmmm I should listen to that! So I did. It addressed so much that I have been feeling lately. I need to listen again when I have slept and can take notes, but it was good. Profoundly good in my life. I can only imagine how it helped others.

It is now almost 10:30am. No sleep. Hoping to catch a quick cat nap before the daily calls start coming in.

love you all!
sd, bd, me

where is God?

i want to scream at the top of my lungs. WHERE ARE YOU???? Its 3 am and I haven't slept in days! I haven't slept in our bed in almost 5 months. WHERE ARE YOU???? Friends promise to visit. WHERE ARE THEY?

I am having a pity party. Ignore me. I just wish I had a safe place to scream.

New outlet

SO I am writing this thing... it's not a play, it's not a book, not a poem, it's a thing.

I have entitled it "What if Judas had an iphone" Would it have made a difference? Probably not, GOd gave Judas over to Satan, but there are definately some moments of comedy and heart break in there. From "no answer...it went straight to voicemail" to WTF do u have any idea wht u r doing?

Much research on this textese is needed. Anyway, it is keeping me occupied :)

Lesli

Nightmare

I had the worst dreams last night. In the first one Sue and I were in a huge hospital. She was being wheeled somewhere by a nurse. I tried to follow, but I couldn't keep up. She kept calling my name. I would answer back, but she couldn't hear me. They finally went through a set of locked doors. I couldn't get to her. She kept calling my name and I couldn't comfort her.

Seque to dream number two or continuation of my previous dream. I am in my pastor's office with several of the friends I have made at church. I explain what had just happened and they all tell me that I am being selfish and taking up too much of their time. One even tells me that I am not allowed to call them and i need to make an appointment if I want to talk at all.

I know it was a dream, but I have to wonder if I am being too needy.

SD

Almost

I had an almost day today. There is a women's bible study at my church. I set the alarm to get and well, i don't do mornings. So...almost. There is repeat of the bible study at 7pm. I almost went, but could not get myself to go.

I am still petrified of rejection. I have been given no reason to expect that reaction, but sometimes I still wait for the bolt of lightning to strike when I walk into the church. I have conquered my fear of the services, i have a nifty sound booth to hide behind. If someone starts asking too many questions I simply pretend I need to check a mic or something. Its all so stupid, sophmoric, childish, pathetic (insert adjective here) What am I running from?

I actually like the pastor, a first for me. One thing still remains... I know that I am tolerated even accepted but, I know, because I asked, that my sexuality is viewed as being... askew from God's will. I

I wish straight people could understand. Honestly, I would kill to be straight. Life would be so much easier. Well, life outside of Northampton.

The deeper I get into the church, the more I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting to be told that I have reached my limit, I should stay tucked away. I guess that is just the rejection from my youth resurfing. As I said, I have been given no reason to feel this way. Quite the opposite.


I almost told someone how i was feeling today. Really feeling. I don't know how to say or even identify what emotions are going on in my head. Almost...

Almost is better than nothing. It is a step.

Maybe tomorrow I will actually ask for a hug. The lack of physical contact is quite devistating.

And, to you my dear friends... thank you for being so persistant. I truly have the best friends imaginable. I love you guys!!!

SD